Grace-period

 I haven't written here for a long time. Well, over a year, despite me telling myself that I would. Life sometimes gets in the way, and writing for school had filled this hole.  Epiphany is the day that I celebrate as my baptism anniversary. When asked what my favorite holiday is, I always struggle to come up with an adequate answer because I fear that people won't understand, but this is it.  Epiphany is a day that I look forward to every year. And it isn't just for my baptism but also because it is the day that the Church celebrates the wise, learned men finding the babe they sought to honor-the Christ child. The Epiphany is also known as Theophany, the manifestation of God  When I awaken every January 6th, I seek to "see" God.  This January 6th, I woke from my night shift sleep to a riot happening at the Capitol. At first, I had to double check the channel of the TV at the diner. This couldn't be real, could it?  Not on THIS day.  But yes, of course, it was

Christmas is most tangible    for me at night with a blue black sky sprinkled with stars and a chill in the air that causes me to snuggle into my coat or, better yet, closer to someone I love.  Maybe it is because my mother would drive us around to look at Christmas lights in the old Vega with a Christmas 8 track playing while me would lay in the back watching stars pass. Maybe it’s because I would walk to the local church for midnight mass when I sung in the choir. Maybe it is just the nativity is set at night.  Many faiths celebrate light at this time of year. The druids, pagans, and those who worship the old gods celebrate the winter solstice, the shortest day which is followed by progressively longer daylight. Many of Jewish heritage celebrate Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights. Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus, also called the Light if the world. People greet the sun in nature while Christmas lights and menorah candles are lit to celebrate.  But these lights were

I have spent a lot of time comparing myself to others.  When I was in first grade, one girl was given permission to read chapter books like Nancy Drew.  She got a lot of attention since she was considered gifted. I didn't care about the attention, but I wanted to read the special books, too.  I am not sure if I was simply competitive or if I was jealous, but I worked and read until I could also be given that privilege. Comparison can help us do well and learn to choose what is better. It can be a hindrance as well. I was put into a special reading group when I was in 3rd grade. The kids in this class needed extra help.  I was confused.  We had moved to this new school during 2nd grade, and it had been a challenging transition.  Mom had a new boyfriend.  We moved from our city home to an apartment complex where we had to ride a bus.  We had to make new friends. I thought I was a good reader, but since they put me in this new class, maybe I wasn't.  I figured I was kind of du

This adventure, following Jesus, can be strange-often exhilarating, but sometimes intimidating. Still, there isn't anywhere else I would rather be. If there were no life with Him, there would be no life. Yeah, our relationship can seem complicated, but that often is a reflection of me. My heart is full of fears,  unwillingness, pride, and limits. Create in me a new heart, Lord.  I wish that this weren't the case, but it is (again and again).  People are funny, thinking that Christians believe they are different than others, better than others. I wish. I am so acutely aware of my shortcomings, but that leads me to being aware of how good, how faithful, and how gracious God is. Remember me when you are in Your kingdom. In odd ways, God reminds me that He is with me and that He cares for me. It could be a weird day full of potential coincidences-which might be supernatural, or it could be encouraging friends praying for me. No matter how it happens, I am certain when I s

If Jesus and I updated our relationship status on Facebook, our relationship status would have to be "It's Complicated." When friends struggle with their significant others, they sometimes change their relationship status, maybe to annoy the other or send an indirect message, that they are on shaky ground. I wouldn't say Jesus and I are struggling in that way, but something is going on. It's been a rough year with lots of change and losses. It has been dark and disorienting at times. There were times that a voice whispered that "you have the chance to choose-life or death right here" and somehow I found the courage to choose life, to accept help, to pursue treatment. But there has been an unexpected cost for me due to this process and this bad year. I am not the same person that I was before.  Each experience chipped something away...a sense of self, an understanding of purpose, personal security, pride, a level of independence. I want to believe t

Depression sucks. Literally. It sucks the life out of the individual (sometimes literally). It sucks joy from a sunny day spent with friends. It sucks the energy to put on makeup or even wash your hair. It sucks the desire to achieve goals, or make goal, or even consider that there is anything one wants to do. It sucks you away from people who love you and who you love, creating a cocoon of depression that reinforces the depression. It sucks satisfaction from work and even fosters a hostility because the lack of energy and desire makes work, and coworkers, overwhelming. It sucks curiosity and courage leaving only emptiness and    apathy. The suction is painful, not because of the losses but because of the seeming endlessness. It snowballs. It is circular. It is cumulative. It. Sucks. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.    John 10:10 NIV I don’t believe God intended us to be depressed. Nor does he desir