Spiritual Awakening

Step 12 "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
I like to write in the evening, but I find that when I "sleep on it," I often wake up with a completely different perspective. Yesterday I wrote about Easter and that possibly the service was boring because we couldn't humanly relate to the resurrection. This morning I have a different view.
Once upon a time, I was lost. My life's focus was on death. My body was alive, but my spirit was dead. I wanted to kill my body so that I could escape from the suffering that accompanies life. My emotions were numb from the battering. My thinking was focused solely on that escape from life. I was one of the walking dead.
I found God waiting for me in a church basement at the bottom of a coffee cup. Ok, not literally, but I had already run thru the sanctuary of a couple churches to see where He was hiding. I never thought to look in the basement where that weird crowd of people gathered. I had nowhere left to run and I was too tired to continue, so I sat and listened for a while, sipping the thick, strong coffee.
As the years and steps passed, I found my spirit came to life. I felt younger than when I had arrived and yet I also grew up (a little). I came to know love, unconditional love from other people and my Higher Power. I started to wake up excited about the next days journey rather than disappointed I was still here. Today, my spirit soars at times and all I can do is giggle. Somehow laughter is the way one's body soars with its spirit. And I am filled with gratitude for this resurrection.
But for the grace of God...we hear that said when someone relapses into deadly behaviors....but for the grace of God, there go I. Does God hand pick us for saving? That doesn't make sense to me, or more honestly, makes me feel so unworthy, but it sure doesn't seem fair, either. I think that is where step 12 comes in. God wants to save us, but there are so many, so much suffering, that He desires us to help. We are God in the flesh. We have been resurrected and in our life after death, we are called to spread the good news-that we have experienced it and you too can experience it, that God desires you to live fully and there is a way to do that.
So, perhaps my sense of Easter is different than other people's. Maybe they have not really died yet. With God's grace, perhaps they will be blessed enough to do so.


Becky said…
I just read through your whole blog Jaime. Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. There are so many things you say that resonate with me.
I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember. But I didn't know about dying until the past year and a half. But I didn't know that I didn't know. My sense of Easter is very different now, too. I don't look forward to a big show and hyped up celebration, as I desire a meaningful connection and an intimate remembering with my Savior. Not that there's anything wrong with celebrating, its just that sometimes I think people confuse hype with depth. And joy--deep joy, comes from His life within. But sometimes you have to be in a tomb for a while before you can know resurrection joy. And when you know that joy, then you not only want to show your gratitude for Christ, you want to be like Him.
And I agree. It is HE that blesses us with the grace of dying. And the grace of bringing us new life. It makes me excited for all the possibilities.
Happy Easter!

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