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Showing posts from July, 2007

Grace everywhere

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While walking at a nearby wildlife sanctuary, I came across this amazing "field" of American lotus. The lotus is a type of water lily that rises from muddy waters to blossom. I had heard of the lotus flower before, tho I did not know that America had any. Studying Buddhism when I was searching for God, I learned that the lotus was one of the auspicious symbols and referred to enlightenment or wisdom. Because the lotus comes out of the murky water to flower, it is also a sign of resurrection. When the flower is used in art, the more open the bloom, the more enlightened the figure would be. Of course I had to come home to search this stuff out but it is interesting when I look over the pictures I took and see all the closed or slightly open blooms. How often my spirit is like that. I sometimes just want to throw up my hands and tell Him to give up on me since I am so lost most of the time and feel that I could be useful to no one. But here, thru this adventure, I learn it is n…

Perspective

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This woman I knew did all these interesting sort of one liners. I think this one sort of fits me today. I know that when "I" change so does my perspective and opinion of the world around me. That has been really hard lately, tho. I feel like I am surrounded by petty nonsense. Nothing feels certain. I am walking in darkness waiting for the next attack. ^^^^^^^ Here's the thing: I am not alone. Tho I may not be able to see where I am going or what the outcome will be, there is One who does. Tho my small life may not feel very secure right now, I can hold on confidently to my God. I can let the pettiness fall away. I can patiently wait on Him. It is a hard one, no doubt, but who told me any of this was to be easy? What I was told is that there is a Comforter, a Counselor, a Prince of Peace. I have been told that this physical world is a small part of the overall reality because there is a spiritual realm-not the other way around. I was told I am an alien in this land; it is …

Renewal...

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This is my new nephew. He looks just like his 2nd sister. He will probably be spoiled by his mother and beat up by his sisters. Tho it sounds like the sisters are spoiling him so far. I was thinking how different my sister's life will be now that they have a boy. I was thanking God for the safe arrival and pondering the goodness we have experienced. *** But then the news came on and it was back to "reality" and how much negativity there is in this world. This bombing or this shooting or this loneliness and this confusion. It is all really the same. We are a lost people. *** Step 2-We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. *** It doesn't say we came to believe in that Power. It doesn't say that said Power would, if He were so inclined, restore us. What I read today is that thru our process/journey, we developed belief, an understanding, even if only an inkling, in a Something whose job/purpose it is to restore us to sanity. *** I…

Shaping of me

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I was wandering near the river's edge looking for pictures when I saw this odd drawing in the sand and mud beneath the water. The water's currents and movements had drawn it. It looks even cooler in person. But, what I started to think about was how my world's currents, people and experiences and even my own moods and emotions, shape and mold and leave their mark on me. **** I think of the people who I have known, if even for a short time, and what they have taught me, what lessons they gave me, what memory makes me smile or makes my heart ache. Another wrinkle in the sand. **** I think of the major experiences of my life, my childhood, my school years, my adulthood. I think of my experiences as a mother, as a wife, as a woman. A few more wrinkles in the sand. **** I think of my struggles with depression and hormonal planetary shifts. I think of my struggles in my recovery and in my faith. I remember back as m…

In the Beginning....

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So, for whatever reason, the story of Creation has been the topic of discussion for my household this week: which was the sin-disobeying or turning away? Which sin was the key to banishment-eating or hiding? And on as we twisted and turned and gnawed on this passage.



Many people might ask why this would be such a big deal. I suppose it isn't, but we have been integrating our 12 step recovery background in a new way with our Christian faith. See, as recovering persons, we see the disease of addiction as being our primary affliction. As Christians, we understand the sinful nature as being the source of our pain. I would, meekly, offer that they seem to look very similar to me.



I am not turning my back on the disease of addiction (DOA) theory, but rather I consider it an expansion of that theory. See, the creation story relates the introduction of sin and death into human history. If any human beings had EVERYTHING, it was Adam and Eve. And yet, and yet, they turned away from it to se…

Everyday Passions

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I think a lot, probably too much. The other day I woke up thinking. That's when you know you have a problem. Anyway, I was thinking about the suffering, death, and resurrection of Christ.

So, Jesus was always talking crazy. He even told His followers to take up their cross and follow Him. Now I would like to think I could somehow sacrifice my life for the world, but I am just not sure it is realistic or what Jesus meant. I hear the crackling of a fire being fed.....

But the cross was a fearful element. It meant cruel torture. It meant acceptance of how things are, how they need to be, not a fantasy ending. While Jesus carried that cross on the road of sorrow, he felt weakness. He felt drained. He had difficult seeing. He was burdened and overwhelmed. He probably became disoriented and lost. He could not think of one more step as he fell. Veronica wiped His face, but could not wipe away the pain. Simon helped carry the cross, but could not take the cross away.

The su…

Practice

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I often choose my pictures to suit my mood or subject, but this is actually a kick myself in the butt sort of picture. I don't want to write. I am so angry and annoyed and resentful of, well, like 20 things at this moment, ok, over the past couple days, or maybe I have been holding on to some stuff and copping feelings when it wasn't about me, for like 2 weeks now. Either way, I want to stomp off like the 2 year old I can be and take my toys and go home. Of course, I don't particularly have a home to run to or a mommy to soothe the boo-boos, so I guess I need to figure out how to do that myself, huh? And that is part of picking the sunflower. In art class we were always drawing sunflowers and skulls. I got so bored of them, but I learned that pastels could make a drawing some alive like a beer sign and then the sunflowers became more interesting. Practice, experimentation, perseverance and serendipity.....

I don't think this is going to magically pass. Wish t…

Lessons

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I love water. I love hiking in creeks. I love exploring to see who lives there and feel the squishy earth under my feet. I love experimenting with this rock or that to see which is steady to step on. I love rolling a river rock in my palm and caressing the smoothness of it. There is something about all this that is calming and reassuring. When I begin to really look at all this in regards to my life, not just my vacations...well...I become a little embarrassed that I fight so hard. I hate the shifting sands that I feel lately. I hate the meanness of some people that I need to deal with on a daily. I hate not knowing exactly what way to go or what door to go in, to the point of not going anywhere. I hate that the current of life, the rapids affect us and cause us to trim down our activities and relationships by making choices. See what I mean? I just want to hide in embarrassment! All the things I enjoy on vacations simply aren't acceptable in my "real" life. Hmm…