Practice

I often choose my pictures to suit my mood or subject, but this is actually a kick myself in the butt sort of picture. I don't want to write. I am so angry and annoyed and resentful of, well, like 20 things at this moment, ok, over the past couple days, or maybe I have been holding on to some stuff and copping feelings when it wasn't about me, for like 2 weeks now. Either way, I want to stomp off like the 2 year old I can be and take my toys and go home. Of course, I don't particularly have a home to run to or a mommy to soothe the boo-boos, so I guess I need to figure out how to do that myself, huh? And that is part of picking the sunflower. In art class we were always drawing sunflowers and skulls. I got so bored of them, but I learned that pastels could make a drawing some alive like a beer sign and then the sunflowers became more interesting. Practice, experimentation, perseverance and serendipity.....

I don't think this is going to magically pass. Wish that happened! I am stubborn enough that I could wait out anything, but it just doesn't happen. I have to pray, alot. Find some gratitude. Find ways to nurture myself. Talk to God about the boo-boos and why I am scared to go out and play again and why I feel like mean-ness is protective and that I hate being scared or mean but I can't seem to find my way past either one. And I need to allow Him to nurture me. Yeah, that doesn't mean He tucks me in or cooks me dinner, but it may mean someone does and I need to accept it with humble gratitude. Sometimes I feel so alone, me, my books, my writing, my animals....it is so hard to connect with other people and when I am clumsy I want to hide in embarrassment. I mean, look, I sit here writing on my blog when I could be sharing this with a person. Oh well. I will just keep practicing my sunflowers and my adventures in relationships.

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