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Showing posts from August, 2013

Seasons

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It is often easier to plan a path than to walk it. Sure, some seasons are easy. The brisk autumn air energizes me to take the pups on hikes in the woods. But then there are seasons that can be more challenging. 
In the summer heat and humidity, walking is exhausting and breathing becomes labored quickly. Winters in the 90s were known for Some significant snow storms.  One blizzard I had been snowed in at work for a week. When I finally had the opportunity to leave, I had to walk home after being dropped off at a nearby road because most roads were closed. I trudged through hip high snow, slowly and steadily, trying to keep my focus on my front door a half mile away.
And that is how it feels lately.
A friend dies suddenly. Other friends make choices that not only cause them to step out of my life but puts their lives in imminent danger. My own life was in danger this summer, and I continue to recover from that adventure. 
As life continues to batter away and my heart is heavy, my breath qu…

Armchair QB - [Spiritual] Parenthood

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Today's message was on parenting. I knew this before I went. I am one of those nerds who likes to read the passage ahead of time and meditate on it so that I can be ready for the Sunday morning message. Like I said, nerd.

But knowing what the topic was, I almost didn't show up at church. You see, I have no children at home. My son is already 23. (Where did the time go?) And honestly, we weren't great parents. We did the best we could with what we had, but I wish we had done many things better. For one, I wish that we had been followers of Jesus in his childhood, not his teen years. We probably would have been better parents.
All those regrets and disappointments didn't make me eager to listen to a message about parenting.
Praying about this passage yesterday, and more accurately about my heart's annoyance, I realized that I am still important in the lives of many kids. I am not their parent, but I have come to be a spiritual mother, or spiritual aunt. They may not…

Astigmatism

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Without my glasses I am legally blind. Like the doc told me I could get a dog kinda blind. Good for me that they make glasses strong enough to correct my near sighted, bifocal needing eyes. The other thing wrong with my sight is that I have a pretty significant astigmatism, which basically means my eyes don't focus well and everything is blurry...without the aid of my glasses that is.
I like seeing clearly. I like seeing definite lines and shapes that make my world easy to navigate. Lately it seems like I need some stronger glasses, not just for my eyes but my whole life.
Despite the fact that I thought that I had a pretty fluid idea of God, scoffing at others who placed him in a nicely packaged box, I have found myself a bit stunned about where God may have been in the last couple weeks. I don't feel as confident in what I know. I don't see in black and white but in blurry tones of grays. 
Being a bit OCD, as pointed out by many as well as my coworker today, I do like securi…

The Arrogance of My Independence

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Yes, friends, I have been throwing a bit of a tantrum.  Just as any two year old might, I have been pouting telling God, "I do it myself!"  And when I think about it, my tantrum has been as ridiculous as any two year old dressing herself in mismatched clothes with her shoes on the wrong feet.

This is my resounding whine: If God wanted my attention, all he needed to do was ask, or point.  When I compare myself to others, I am doing pretty good.  I am more God conscious than most of my friends, and I try to live my life according to Biblical principles.  He didn't have to do a God smack-down to get my attention!

In my last post I wrote about wanting to have my old life back, not having to rely on God as intensely as I have in the last 2 weeks.  Still consumed with my arrogance and anger, I challenged him that night during prayers...why do I really need you?!

And then I swallowed the stupidity of the words.

Something self destructive has been rising in me.  I am angry, tho…

Waiting...

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Waiting.  This is what I do: I wait.  I wait in doctors' offices.  I wait for test results.  I wait to catch my breath.  I wait for clots to dissolve.  I wait for things to get back to normal.

Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I am not a patient person.  I have been told more than once to calm down and be patient.  That is probably great advice, except that I am always worried that I will miss something or have an urgency to make up for lost time.  I have no idea how to calm down and relax.  That is until something forces me to the sidelines.

So now I also wait on God.

I mean, really, he always was in control.  I just pretended it was my life.  I pretended that I could be anyone that I wanted, do anything that I wanted.  And then reality smacks me in an epic face palm moment.

Sitting here, I am sad today.  I would like to be able to will my body to heal faster.  I want to be able to breathe normally.  I want all the fear of uncertainty to vanish. 

It doesn'…