Astigmatism

Without my glasses I am legally blind. Like the doc told me I could get a dog kinda blind. Good for me that they make glasses strong enough to correct my near sighted, bifocal needing eyes. The other thing wrong with my sight is that I have a pretty significant astigmatism, which basically means my eyes don't focus well and everything is blurry...without the aid of my glasses that is.

I like seeing clearly. I like seeing definite lines and shapes that make my world easy to navigate. Lately it seems like I need some stronger glasses, not just for my eyes but my whole life.

Despite the fact that I thought that I had a pretty fluid idea of God, scoffing at others who placed him in a nicely packaged box, I have found myself a bit stunned about where God may have been in the last couple weeks. I don't feel as confident in what I know. I don't see in black and white but in blurry tones of grays. 

Being a bit OCD, as pointed out by many as well as my coworker today, I do like security. I like to be right. I like to know the right answers. Just ask the poor husband. 

I just haven't felt so certain lately. Even all the theological debates in my orbit, which I usually love: Calvinism vs Arminianism,  imperative vs indicative, free will vs predestination...all seem like paradoxical puzzles that I can argues both sides but convince myself of neither, an exercise in futility and distraction.

Kind of like trying to make sense of clots & shots & near death experiences.

My astigmatism prevents me from seeing these events clearly, as they are, what they look like from an eternal perspective.   It seems foolish, even unnecessary, for me to attempt to find meaning in these experiences given my inability to see clearly.

While I wish there were some lenses that could make sense of everything, I always end up with the same vision-grace is the only thing I have.

I don't know all the answers to my many questions.  I don't have security in health, except that death finds us all, or finances, except there are never as many resources as I would like, or the future, except that things will change.

But I trust grace.

Grace tells me that things aren't so plain. Grace reminds me that I am not who I was or where I was and I am not who or where I will be.

I trust that God chose me for something that I may not understand. Even the mere thought that God chooses me blows my mind.

Grace always reminds me that there is more than I can see.

And somehow, Grace always proves trustworthy, despite my blindness.