Growing up


I continue to beg God for grace and to help me set aside this stupid pride that makes it so difficult to not rebel. I am not even sure what I am supposed to be NOT rebelling against half the time, but it makes it really hard to just sit with God when I know He isn't telling me to go away or just go have babies or whatever the drama of the moment is. Even as I realize in the depths of my heart that I am a woman, (yes, I understand it needn't take that much time to figure it out, but somehow I thought there was a loop hole or that maybe the "priesthood of all believers" really was ALL believers, not just those with certain anatomy) God has not let His pull on my heart or my spirit lessen. Somehow I started feeling just a little normal (not abnormal anyway about this hold He has on me) but then it hits me again, in waves like nausea. I find my prayer has been a little impatient lately-"Dude, what do you want me to do?" I would do anything, except the thing I would most like to do-set aside this pride-I cannot do. UGH!

Yes, I am a woman. I love God. He wants me to participate with Him. He wants me to lead others to Him, to love them, to help them. I am not just supposed to have babies and quietly wait for some man to get something going, to take over. My husband knows this. He loves and encourages me for who he knows me to be. Many around me know this also and accept it. Why is it so hard for me?

Father, I am not sure what you want for me, but I sincerely want Your will to be done, not mine. Help me trust you.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Blog Carnival: Community

Image
Blog Carnival: Community Community is getting to be a buzzword that hardly seems recognizable.  It has become permanently connected with a metrosexual worship leader at the hip church which has an outreach into some impoverished place.  But is that community? Yesterday I wrote about Facebook's social networking site.  Did you know that there are more than 300 million active users and that 50% of their active users (returned to the site in the last 30 days) log on to Facebook in any given day and that the average user has 130 friends on the site? Is that community? Do we really have a community or do we talk so much about it and request friends by the busload because we desire it intensely? We were made for community.  Creator said it was not good for that first man to be alone.  Even Creator was not alone.  We need to walk with others.  We need our village.  We need them to not only walk with us a...
Read more

He's Calling

Image
I didn't sleep well last night. I kept waking up, wanting to write. Those nights are annoying, particularly when I am working 12 hours the next day so I have no business getting out of bed to write. But here is the thing that kept bugging me...what if God is calling us not to greatness, but to smallness? Yeah, weird thing to keep a person awake, huh? Our group that went to the Leadership Summit are praying for ways that we can put what we learned into practice. Look around your neighborhood-there is so much need. Look around your coworkers-enough need to depress you. Look around the world-so much need it can paralyze. And then I think about this thing with callings... What if it isn't about being called to a thing, but to be like Him? What if it doesn't matter where I am or what I do but how I do it? What if His only desire is for me to respond to this broken world as He does? Right where I am? Jesus stopped to love the kids, he held up important people to talk to a woman, ...
Read more

The Reason for the Season

Image
This post is participating in today's blog carnival on the word LOVE.  To read other posts, click here . As all my friends texted holiday wishes this Christmas, one stood out.  This one seemed to go against all the "Keep Christ in Christmas" and "Jesus is the reason for the season" bumper stickers.  This text said simply, U r the reason 4 the season. At first I thought she wrote it incorrectly, so I read it again looking for the typo.  But, there wasn't one. That's when it hit me: without me, there wouldn't be a need for Christmas. Ok, so that sounds somewhat egocentric, but hang in there with me.  God is this crazy amazing being made of love.  It is out of that crazy, amazing love that he chose to step into flesh, to show us that God does love us and that he didn't abandon us to the evil that surrounds us, to bring us back to this relationship.  God, the first and greatest lover, pursues us, rescues us.  O...
Read more