I continue to beg God for grace and to help me set aside this stupid pride that makes it so difficult to not rebel. I am not even sure what I am supposed to be NOT rebelling against half the time, but it makes it really hard to just sit with God when I know He isn't telling me to go away or just go have babies or whatever the drama of the moment is. Even as I realize in the depths of my heart that I am a woman, (yes, I understand it needn't take that much time to figure it out, but somehow I thought there was a loop hole or that maybe the "priesthood of all believers" really was ALL believers, not just those with certain anatomy) God has not let His pull on my heart or my spirit lessen. Somehow I started feeling just a little normal (not abnormal anyway about this hold He has on me) but then it hits me again, in waves like nausea. I find my prayer has been a little impatient lately-"Dude, what do you want me to do?" I would do anything, except the thing I would most like to do-set aside this pride-I cannot do. UGH!
Yes, I am a woman. I love God. He wants me to participate with Him. He wants me to lead others to Him, to love them, to help them. I am not just supposed to have babies and quietly wait for some man to get something going, to take over. My husband knows this. He loves and encourages me for who he knows me to be. Many around me know this also and accept it. Why is it so hard for me?
Father, I am not sure what you want for me, but I sincerely want Your will to be done, not mine. Help me trust you.