I imagined for years that I was a lone wolf, a nomad without allegiance or alliance. It was a safe and rebellious way of life. I needn't follow your rules or be disappointed by you. But I was very wrong.
The past 2 Sundays have been devoted to the need for relationship. At first, I was repelled by the idea. I don't need circles. I have a couple people who I am willing to rely on, in a pinch, but a circle sounded like overcommitment to an idea which would eventually lead to annoyances. In fact, I found the image above, a Reuleaux triangle to be my personal "shape." Rebellious, remember?
Recently, however, well for several months now, I have been struggling with back and leg pain. It has caused me difficulty walking, severe pain, the need for medication, and now I have opted for surgery in hope of relief. As I have struggled through this time, I have spent lots of time in prayer and meditation. I have cried and cursed over this pain. I have had to rely on others, however reluctantly. I have contemplated God and his plan for my life. I have surrendered and taken back. And I have been loved, well loved by many who I would be afraid to claim as my pack, my circle.
I have been prayed for and, better yet, prayed with. I have been given space to ask questions and state fears & struggles to individuals who accepted it without judgement. Some would respond with their own experience and places they found hope while others provided strength, reminding me to "be still." God himself spoke to me in Scripture and through others, even unknowingly. Family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, church family teachers...all circled me with grace. That is when I began to understand my triangle.
You see, this particular triangle is only made by the places where circles intersect. For me, it is the circles of grace around me, that I am a part of, which construct my form.
I am not a lone wolf. I am a quirky, creative and frightened individual who needs these circles as much as she fears them. We are made for relationship, but sometimes we have to be made to see this.
There is nothing good in the decay of the body and the anxiety this may produce. I am not saying my circumstances are as God would like, but God does what he likes with my circumstances and uses the decay and anxiety to bring about a willingness to be comforted and cared for. I am not alone. God is with me. But so are you. With that understanding, peace settles in my spirit & I truly can be still, in this circling of grace.