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Get Well! 💛, the Light

It is so odd-
The tension between feeling and believing.
Take every thought captive...
But it seems the feelings take hostages first.

I want to believe;
Help me in my unbelief.
I want to get well;
Help me to stand and walk.

The darkness is real
Although it’s only power
 is to infiltrate and lie.
The Light can dispel this darkness-
Will dispel it-
 but perhaps not for me?
Definitely for you.

I know so many people
Infected with sickness of this dark.
The hissed lies take root and sprout.
The confusion swirls and twists
what was once known into:
“Did He really say...”
“Did He really mean...”

Old lies.
Old voices.
Old darkness.
Comes to revisit and stay a while.

You can leave now darkness,
We are not old friends,
no matter what the tune.

Pursued

Where can I go from your Spirit?Where can I flee from your presence?If I go up to the heavens,you are thereif I make my bed in the depths, you are there.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,even there your hand will guide me,your right handwill hold me fast.If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide meand the light become night around me,”even the darkness will not be dark to you;the night will shine like the day,for darkness is as light to you. Psalm 139:7-12

Life has been overwhelming lately. Depression has been heavy. I have struggled with feeling less than enough, competent, worthy...etc. My prayers seem empty. I feel alone and unworthy of His attention or love. But I am not alone. I am pursued.

Seemingly normal events-like coffee with a friend-have become encounters with the Divine. We started talking about recovery and children but then gingerly touched on spiritual things. We didn't know that we were sisters in Christ. When the date was ov…

Soul-stice

Jesus, Lord of my life... How are you my Lord and I am a mess?
I want to follow you so much that it twists my insides in the longing, But my outsides remain frustrated, short tempered, and accused.
Lord of all creation... You have power and authority over all things,  But you have not brought this struggling soul into full submission. 
LORD... You are the I AM,  But I am in need, of nothing as much as your power. 
These defects, in response and in personality, strangle me, Leeching the now and even the yet to be from me.  They steal my hope and snatch the meager dreams that I dare. 
I am without shelter or care in this long night. The full bodied moon mocks me as it dances playfully with sheer clouds. I am alone. I am broken, and I am trapped within my brokenness. 
Change me. CHANGE ME. 
Lord, I beg. LORD, I beg.
But I know I am not worth your glance, your pause.  I am inconsequential, I hear. I am fine as I am, I whisper back.
No, I am not. 
I need you.
I need you to heal me- Make me whole. No longer bound by…

Untitled

I like to belly laugh but dislike soul shaken sobs I raise my face to the wind but turn away from the sun I believe better is possible but know worst is probable I desire to respond in faith but tend to react in fear I follow after one but travel with the many I am here and I am no where
These threads between now and then and yet...bind me to unchanging Unchanging internally but with two natures Solid resignation with sprinkle of hope Mid night blue drapes and a spattering of crystal diamonds

Always the same but never steady

Sorting Through Piles

Christmas season is here.  Families are going into closets for decorations, tidying up for visitors, making preparations for parties. But that doesn't mean that their lives stop.  Daily life continues and messes will be made.  When the visitors come and the parties happen, there may be a place that the host would rather their guests not see, or at least not look closely.  It could be dust on a shelf that was missed or the children's room or the garage.  It could be a room named "the junk room" or sometimes called a craft room where odds and ends are tucked away, or piled. We all have some piles somewhere. That is what I woke up praying about today.

Father, I need you.  I need your help. 

My life piles around me-books to be read and books read but not returned to their shelf, clothing to wash and clothing washed but not slipped into drawers, school work to complete and school work to put those finishing touches on so it can be sent off for grading.  A couple days off s…

Time to Empty

My heart is full of burden.  My spirit is heavy.  My eyes well with tears.  My brain turns with ideas and regrets and plans but does not know rest.  My bones ache as I move through the days with this weight.  Of my world.  Of the world?  I am tired but cannot sleep. Until the morning when I lie there pondering how the day might unfold poorly, adding to the weight.

Depression is not unfamiliar to me.  If it were simply discontentment with the way my world is, I would divorce the husband, move to another town, ride a scooter, speak a different language.  Whatever it would take to find joy.  But it isn't my external world.  It is the internal world.  Despite having a dear man who tries to love me, despite a job that I enjoy more often than not, despite a faith in a God who holds me close, despite all sorts of goodness and purpose in my life, this internal burden nags and holds me back.

Much of the time it is manageable.  Sometimes, not so much.  A friend of many years, a woman who I…

Here We Go Again

I should have known what the message would be. I have been studying Colossians as the current sermon series has been camped out in the 3rd chapter. I knew what was left, but I forgot. And I went to the church gathering anyway.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”       Colossians 3:18-19
There goes the “S” word again. It isn’t as scary as it once was. I love my husband. But that doesn’t mean it is easy.
Really, the fact that there was so much time spent on defining submission annoyed me. It seems simple: if a husband loves his wife like Christ loves the Church, it is easy for a wife to submit. There would be lots more sex and home cooked meals. It seems so straightforward: husbands need to love wives better. 
Simple, perhaps, but yet there is sin, and struggle, and fear. We both have needs and desires that we fight to meet, sometimes even fighting against each other. But even the desire for the hus…