Waiting.  This is what I do: I wait.  I wait in doctors' offices.  I wait for test results.  I wait to catch my breath.  I wait for clots to dissolve.  I wait for things to get back to normal.

Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I am not a patient person.  I have been told more than once to calm down and be patient.  That is probably great advice, except that I am always worried that I will miss something or have an urgency to make up for lost time.  I have no idea how to calm down and relax.  That is until something forces me to the sidelines.

So now I also wait on God.

I mean, really, he always was in control.  I just pretended it was my life.  I pretended that I could be anyone that I wanted, do anything that I wanted.  And then reality smacks me in an epic face palm moment.

Sitting here, I am sad today.  I would like to be able to will my body to heal faster.  I want to be able to breathe normally.  I want all the fear of uncertainty to vanish. 

It doesn't.

I don't know when this will all be a distant memory.  But I hope it will.

I don't know when breathing will be taken for granted again.  But I hope it will.

And, yeah, one of those strike Jaime down kinda moments, I don't know when I won't need to count on God so much.  But I hope it happens.  Sorta.

It is kinda like being on vacation with my sister. I love her dearly, but she gets on my nerves.  At some point, I need to get away and drive on my own for a while.

As I read all these Scriptures about waiting on the Lord, I have to consider-am I waiting on God or am I waiting on God to heal me so I can go back to living my own life my way?

That sucks.

I liked my life for the most part.  I have a dear husband to share my life with, hobbies that are new and exciting, talents that keep me involved with others, a beautiful granddaughter, sweet friendships, bills paid...  Wouldn't God want that for me?  You know, let's twist that Scripture about abundant life into the American dream.

Instead, I am knocked off my square, waiting. 

Whenever God has done this "knock her down so she shuts up long enough to hear me" sort of thing, well, it has resulted in a time of spiritual growth.  Is there some spiritual lesson in all this?  When can I stop learning?  Is God trying to change my directions?  Could he just point next time?

Some days I am just waiting for the day when I won't be so annoying to myself.  When I will graciously accept all this waiting stuff faithfully, not fight to calm myself down, not struggle to find gratitude in every moment.  Yes, I know some people are quite fooled into believing that I have already arrived there.  But, the wrestling that I do in the dark...

It is a comfort to me though that so many have waited also.  I am not alone in this, either.


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