Thursday, August 1, 2013
Waiting. This is what I do: I wait. I wait in doctors' offices. I wait for test results. I wait to catch my breath. I wait for clots to dissolve. I wait for things to get back to normal.
Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I am not a patient person. I have been told more than once to calm down and be patient. That is probably great advice, except that I am always worried that I will miss something or have an urgency to make up for lost time. I have no idea how to calm down and relax. That is until something forces me to the sidelines.
So now I also wait on God.
I mean, really, he always was in control. I just pretended it was my life. I pretended that I could be anyone that I wanted, do anything that I wanted. And then reality smacks me in an epic face palm moment.
Sitting here, I am sad today. I would like to be able to will my body to heal faster. I want to be able to breathe normally. I want all the fear of uncertainty to vanish.
I don't know when this will all be a distant memory. But I hope it will.
I don't know when breathing will be taken for granted again. But I hope it will.
And, yeah, one of those strike Jaime down kinda moments, I don't know when I won't need to count on God so much. But I hope it happens. Sorta.
It is kinda like being on vacation with my sister. I love her dearly, but she gets on my nerves. At some point, I need to get away and drive on my own for a while.
As I read all these Scriptures about waiting on the Lord, I have to consider-am I waiting on God or am I waiting on God to heal me so I can go back to living my own life my way?
I liked my life for the most part. I have a dear husband to share my life with, hobbies that are new and exciting, talents that keep me involved with others, a beautiful granddaughter, sweet friendships, bills paid... Wouldn't God want that for me? You know, let's twist that Scripture about abundant life into the American dream.
Instead, I am knocked off my square, waiting.
Whenever God has done this "knock her down so she shuts up long enough to hear me" sort of thing, well, it has resulted in a time of spiritual growth. Is there some spiritual lesson in all this? When can I stop learning? Is God trying to change my directions? Could he just point next time?
Some days I am just waiting for the day when I won't be so annoying to myself. When I will graciously accept all this waiting stuff faithfully, not fight to calm myself down, not struggle to find gratitude in every moment. Yes, I know some people are quite fooled into believing that I have already arrived there. But, the wrestling that I do in the dark...
It is a comfort to me though that so many have waited also. I am not alone in this, either.