Wednesday, April 18, 2007

UGH!!!


Do you ever have one of those weeks? Or just another one of those moods? I want to be doing the right thing. I ask for help doing the right thing. But in the snap of my fingers, I can lose my footing and fall right back into stupid behavior. It makes me so mad! Not because I am doing the wrong behavior, get this, but BECAUSE I NEED TO GET REAL HUMBLE (and sometimes get real & get humble) and REVERSE my current course of action and CHANGE! UGH!!!!!


Anybody else have pride as a character defect? I want so much to do right, to be right, to feel right, to create right-ness. And in reality, when I am able to get real, I realize it HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BEING RIGHT. No religion I have read about tells me to be "right." (ok, except maybe Buddhism but that is with the Eight Fold Path and I don't think that is focused on me as much as my behaviors) Religions mostly talk about, as well as my own personal beliefs, about trusting GOD, not ME. Right-ness means I am only trusting in myself. No faith required. No love required. No peace desired. UGH!!!!


Sometimes I want to do the V-8 slap upside the head-"I could've had a Faith!" " I could've used some Tolerance!" I could've had a Patience!" I could've been loving, empathetic.....I could've been a bunch of spiritual principles, that I try to practice, but instead I chose a DEFECT and SIN. URRRRGH!!!!


And then, I remember other spiritual principles, humility (there is a God and I am not it!) and acceptance (yep, still a ding bat, but still awake and aware and working on it so I have the chance to do better) and surrender (God, help me with this thing I call my life!) and a few others. I don't think I will ever "get it" but at least I can keep going. At least I am aware today whereas I used to live life like a bulldozer-taking down anyone/anything in my path without feeling. At least today I am able to do something differently, apologize, make amends, change my mind rather than cutting my nose off to spite my face as I did on a regular. Today, I am amused by my first reaction and grateful that I have a second reaction.

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