Sometimes I think that "This is the End." (Whether it is the end of the world or the end of my world can be hard to determine.) In the 6th and 7th steps we look at defects and ask God's help to change these patterns, these strongholds, in our lives. I think to myself, "I am thru with that behavior." I don't want to act on it anymore and I won't. Self-will. Not that I think God wants me to be a jerk, but I do think that God wants me to rely on him and not me. I look around my life and see the only things that have changed, really changed not just re-decorated, are the things that I surrendered to God's assistance, His grace.
Chuckling, I think about my back issue going on right now. Would I want, or better yet be able, to do surgery on my own spine? Of course not! And neither would I want to, but somehow, mere goofball that I am, I believe I can do spiritual surgery on myself. I mean, of course I would do a wonderful job since I helped get my spirit into such a mess that I require that surgery in the first place, right? Ouch. I hate it when things become so evident.
I surrender today to You-the appointment with my physician, my attempts to become acceptable to You, my attempts to become a "better" person (tho I am not sure my goal is really to be a more loving person which is probably the "better" goal). Without Your help, I am just an awkward foal tripping over herself and her new awkward legs. Thank You for revealing these things to me so that I may be able to re-focus my attention onto You instead of the distractions around me. Ok, enough of this babbling! Let's get out there and have fun, tripping, humbling, bumbling, stumbling, growing and learning how to trust You just a little bit more....