Ever have one of those days? Boy, I have lately, actually. more like one of those weeks. I have been unable to put my finger on it, but I have been out of sorts. I have been tired. I have been overwhelmed. I have been frustrated. I have been angry. I have been lonely. I am...self centered.
And as I was walking and praying, I suddenly had this moment of clarity: I am having a temper tantrum. As surely as a toddler who has been thrown off schedule by a holiday or a family trip gets cranky and out of sorts, I had lost that inability to rest in knowing things were the way they are supposed to be. My head whirled with decisions to be made, chores to be done, dreams to be fulfilled, apologies to be offered, changes to create...
It isn't that I am lacking for anything more than peace of mind or gratitude. I have been stuck in the "it's not fair" whine. For real, who told me it was supposed to be fair? Who told me that the world revolved around me? Why is it so hard to not slip back into this self centered skin? It certainly suffocates my spirit.
There are always chores to be done. Hello, I own a house and have a small zoo! There are decisions to be made as to how I can best use my time wisely to continue to nurture my spirit and those around me. Relationships are always changing, hopefully, because as individuals we grow and change. And dreams need to be dreamt....dreams for now and dreams for later. They keep me yearning to grow and learn.
But losing the gratitude for all that I have, well, that is dangerous. It creates this mindset that I did this, that I deserve this, that I can do it myself. Pride creeps in with its cousins resentment and self righteousness.
It is just another one of those days when the adult needs to take the child aside and remember a prayer of Thomas Merton:
Lord, thank You for what You have given me, thank You for what You have taken away, and thank You for what You have left me.