I was a little more nervous this time around. I had to use phones and computers for work, but was determined to be conscious of my heart's intention and use these things as tools, not spiritual or emotional pacifiers. I prayed and gave the day to God.
Still, I had a crappy day. I don't know if it would've been tough anyway, but it was one of those frustrating days where you don't know whether to cry or scream. By the end of the day I had done both. I found myself wanting to call my husband or friend during the day. I wanted to disconnect from everything into a game on my phone. I prayed, but the prayers felt hollow. I knew it was not God the Spirit that I wanted but God in flesh that I needed.
Feeling how distracted I had become and how it was effecting me emotionally, I spent a little time writing. It was interesting:
Why I want to call someone-
to see how they are doing-because I am worried about them-can I place that uncertainty and fear and them in God's hands
just to touch base-because I am lonely-can I connect with God in a way that softens this pang of longing to be known
make plans-because I need something to look forward to-how can God help me there?
just to vent-I need to know someone understands me, connects to me, loves me-God?
Not having my phone, I am without-
connections-alone with myself and God
calendar-have to stay in the present
games-need to sit with the feelings of the present
This exercise has created so much awareness in me of how little I really connect to God or trust God. Really, it is embarrassing. I want to be so much farther. In my arrogance, I have always fantasized about following after the spiritual giants, but my pride crumbles every Sabbath. I can't even hang tough thru a day. And not just hang tough, I cannot give God the whole day. My mind, my spirit, my heart is so feeble.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. (Deut 6:5 NIV)
Guess there is some comfort in that verse. I always took it to mean to love God perfectly, but it seems today to tell me to love with my perfectly feeble heart, soul, and strength-to not hold back. I am working on it, Father. Help me in my unbelief!