Playing on the steps again
There is a saying often heard in recovery that the only step I need to really have is a 1st step (at which point I roll my eyes and groan-inwardly, of course). For real, I am so unmanageable in a million different moments that there is no question if I am powerless!!!! What I sometimes lack is hope, that things will be different, and maybe even better, at some point and strength to even hold on until that change presents itself and knowledge of how things SHOULD change (particularly since I have spent so much time screwing it up!).
~~~~~~~~What I need is a 2nd step. I need to know that there is Someone bigger than me who can help, who is willing to help, who WILL help.
There are too many areas of my life that feel unsettled right now. I feel so loosely connected to people that I envision myself as an astronaut doing a spacewalk. Yesterday, leaving one more thing, I felt like I had become disconnected from the space station and began to float away into nothing. To BE something. To BE connected. To BE in service. All of these things serve my ego and pride. They give me a false sense of my worth and feed my pride. They aren't real, and they aren't me. I am not a chair of this and a secretary of that and the in the know and the girl Friday. When I cover up my insecurities with these titles and jobs and busy-work, I continue to hold God at arm's length, "Father, I can handle this. Why don't you go handle something more important? Hmmm, Dafur or cancer or the economy?"
Silly me, silly broken me. I am just a little girl in a woman's body. I am just a sinner trying to act saved. I am lost while giving directions to others.
So, Father, again I am here, hurt and broken with the games and masks set aside. I recognize this hurt. I have been here many times. I don't want to ignore it again-please heal it! As a saint before me said, thank you for all that you have given me, for all that you have taken from me, and for all that you have left me. I know I truly want only your will. Amen