I don't feel well. I am sitting here in 2 layers of clothes topped off by a sweatsuit and a fleece hat and I swear the heat is on in my house. I am just freezing. I am quiet. I am tired. I am alone. Of course, I am sick, but isn't that how we are with God sometimes?
I don't experience His presence. I just go off to bed. I insulate myself. My spirit feels cold. There is no joy, just still quiet. I have no energy to give to others because my spirit is so empty.
Is my spirit sick then? Sometimes. Sometimes sin has lodged in there like a piece of popcorn in your teeth. Sometimes it is resentment. Sometimes it is despair. Sometimes it is wounded pride. To deal with this sickness, I need to confess and repent.
But sometimes it just is. Sometimes when I don't experience His presence it is because He is too close, wrapping me up like the blankets I have been hiding under. Most times I don't have a clue why He is so distant. Maybe He is spending time with Chris or Peter or Jenn or Bill. What I do during that times is important to how I will perceive my faith when He "shows up." Will I keep praying and keep reading and stay faithful?
I was watching 2007 Catalyst DVDs last night and I was watching Craig Groeschel. I really like to listen to his messages on LifeChurch.tv but he is a scary and intense dude. Anyway, he was sharing about how we question our ministry and our abilities when our ministry is small or losing people but how we feel good when they are growing. His point is, it isn't about us, it's about God, but what was really speaking to me last night was about staying faithful. If God calls us to a small ministry, it is ok. People may think you are whacked for sticking with it, but stick with God. Made me think of the goofy, profound, obedient OT prophets that would act out prophecies in the streets.
Anyway, enough ramblings of my congested brain. Have a blessed day and may you see His grace!