Monday, January 26, 2009

But for the grace of God...



I really dislike that saying. In earlier days, it seemed to tell me that God was the only One who had the power to keep me out of harm's way and He did. Today, well, it seems selfish.


Reading the obituaries first, as only the elderly and nurses do, I came across the face of a friend. Lyle struggled to recovery and due to a withdraw seizure, the end of his life was warped by a head injury and chain smoking. It was hard to see him. Really hard. He was in rehab about the time we were and we played cards with him and his wife for the first year or so. We lost touch as he relapsed and then would hear bits and pieces, here and there. When our lives intersected again because of my husband's job, we went to their house for dinner, but it was not the same. He recognized us as one thinks he sees something in the shadows. He repeated himself frequently. He asked for I.D. not believing how old my husband was. It was difficult. The old Lyle was barely there, but tho we recognized his spirit, his mind and humor were trapped. He asked us to come to dinner, thru his wife, several times, but it was so painful for us...well, we made excuses.


But for the grace of God, that could've been me. I had traipsed thru plenty dangerous territory. I had committed crimes and offended many. But I wasn't caught, not like he was. Not like so many people that come to mind as another one dies. It perplexes me to think that I was chosen and they weren't. I am grateful, but there is also an element of fear to this: if I don't know why I was chosen, how do I know I won't screw it up.


I think this way about God, too. I know lots of interesting, funny, creative people who don't "get" the God thing. Why me? (Not that I get Him as much as He has me.) I try not to attempt to dissect this too much because then I end up with a headache, but it is still a bit anxiety producing at times.


6 comments:

Peter P said...

Why you?

Why not?

God has chosen you for something. The question is not why me? It's what can I do Lord?

Here in the western world we're way too obsessed with knowing why.

We need to learn to accept it and know that our infinite, ever loving Father has a plan that we couldn't even begin to fathom and we are blessed to be a part of it!

Becky said...

Have you written more of your story somewhere here on your blog to read?

Jaime said...

Peter, I think you are very right. Well, I don't know about the rest of the western world but my first question was, "Why?" and for that matter my first sentence was, "What's that?" As for the "why not me," I can handle that for the bad stuff because I justify that I learn from it and maybe someone else couldn't handle it, but the good stuff is where the question doesn't work as well. Guess I need to start working on that as well. :)

Hi Becky! I don't think I have purposefully written out my story. Not on this blog anyway. I suppose I felt too exposed to do that, even this post left me feeling a little vulnerable. Earlier posts on the blog had more of a recovery bent tho. Maybe I will think about writing more about it.

katdish said...

Jaime,

I'm so glad I found my way over here! I'm going to stop back by when I have time to read some more. Love it!

Anonymous said...

I also gave up trying to figure it all out
Right now I feel a calm and peaceful acceptance in not knowing everything. I just try to live each day relaxed and peaceful,l tuned into God and those around me.

Spreading alot of love and hugs!

Keeping it simple, not thinking into it too much, enjoying Gods Grace!!!!

I see him work in mine and others life's that much more!!!

Letting go of that control so he can work without ME being in the way!!!

((Hug))Jaime!!!

Chris

Anonymous said...

I also gave up trying to figure it all out
Right now I feel a calm and peaceful acceptance in not knowing everything. I just try to live each day relaxed and peaceful,l tuned into God and those around me.

Spreading alot of love and hugs!

Keeping it simple, not thinking into it too much, enjoying Gods Grace!!!!

I see him work in mine and others life's that much more!!!

Letting go of that control so he can work without ME being in the way!!!

((Hug))Jaime!!!

Chris