After Jesus was killed, can you imagine how his friends felt?
This man that they travelled with, who taught them, who knew them, who they loved...this man who worked miracles when he healed sick bodies and freed possessed minds and fed starved spirits...this man, their leader, was dead...vulnerable and frail in his humanity as even they are. Who was he really?
Peter once said Jesus was the Christ, the one they had been waiting for who would free the people. But who did he free? They had watched from a safe distance as the authority beat him and then nailed his body to a cross where he slowly suffocated to death. They looked on his bruised and bloodied face. They felt the mocking taunts of the crowd toward Jesus shame them, also. Maybe they even heard a voice in their head mocking them, "You were so conned, you idiot! Better go hide before you are next!" And they took off, abandoning their friend, to save themselves by hiding from the authority and the crowd, lest they be next to be raised up on some cross.
And this is where we live in Holy Saturday...in between the already and the not yet.
We know the Truth, but the darkness seems to surround us, gnawing on our confidence. We dare not turn aside from our Hope, and yet we do not know why God is silent. The accusations that are whispered in our mind cause us to shudder as if chilled. We huddle in our tiny communities for threadbare comfort as we wait on God.
I wonder if I really know truth or have I been duped into believing an age old myth. I wonder if God really loves me or if it is just wishful thinking. I wonder if God cares about my pain and if he does, why won't he do something. I wince when I am judged for my belief in a God, when I am a joke, when God is a joke. I wonder if he is coming back soon, or in my lifetime, or if we are all just going to keep watching clouds until our eyes close for that last time.
But when I think back, I have the evidence of who I was before I met Him. I know what He has taught me, what He has given me, how He has changed me, how He continues to change me. I bow my head to Father and breathe...
I don't know, but I don't have to because I trust You. I believe in You. I will wait on You for as long as You want. I know Your dawn is coming, and Father, I look forward to it with joy as one looks forward to being reunited with a loved one. Happy Resurrection Day!