I think it is the crummiest of feelings. There is an awkwardness and uncertainty that just keeps you off balance. There is a sadness and longing for those happier, more secure times. There is a lack of visibility, a lack of clarity that causes time to creep along painfully.
But then there are moments when God soothes, scooping you up, reminding you that He is there, in the midst of the fog and pain.
Last night, a very dear 5 year old was telling me about where God was, "up there," while pointing emphatically to the ceiling. Never one to miss the opportunity to play with this sweet boy, I responded with feigned surprise, "Upstairs in the bedroom?"
"No, up THERE," he squirmed trying to point higher as he came out of his seat. "Up above the attic, above the roof, above the clouds, in heaven!" Seemingly satisfied with his explanation, he sat down. But then, his father leaned in.
"So, Brock, is God here with us now?"
Brock thought for a few minutes and moved to be face to face with his dad. He appeared to be less sure, so his dad poked him gently and said, "Could God be in there?"
Without missing a beat, he responded, "God is up there. God is down here. God is in here. God is in my underwear."
Still makes me chuckle. Of course, this family of mostly boys had great fun with it in a slightly irreverant but mostly in a relational way as this little one journeys with his daddy to his Father. And as for me, I belly laughed then, but today I appreciate the revelation more.
As lost as I have been feeling, as out of place and out of sorts, God has still been here. He is the I AM, so He is ever in the present.
Daddy fishing with the little boys, Kaeden and Brock.