What now?!

I used to believe in reincarnation.  Well, I cannot explain why I believed, except that I wanted it to be so.  I wanted there to be more than what there is, wanted a chance to do things better.  I no longer believe in reincarnation, but it has been replaced with a nagging question: what now?

If this one life is all I have, have I done enough?  If I have only one life to care for others, to love others, to give to others, to support others, have I done enough?  If I have only one life to love, have I forgiven enough, have I let go of the past, have I dreamnt big enough?  If I have only one life, have I laughed enough, learned enough, cried enough, created enough?

Since I only have this life, and it could end anytime, why do I fret so?  Why do I not belly laugh more?  Why do I worry about money?  Why do I think I should make my bed?  Why do I not think I should go on a trip?  Why do I not tell my husband I love him more?

If all I have is simply grace and that even thru God's grace, why do am I anxious to hold onto everything so tightly?  It is like trying to hold onto a snowflake.  I lose the blessing as it escapes me.


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