I have been struggling with something lately. Gnawing on something lately.
I am thinking...beginning to wonder...if I have not limited him, not made him impotent, this Star Breather, this Word of Life. The words, my cerebral beliefs, are less real when I do not live in that power.
It's still difficult to put into words, to process what is forming. I just know that I am more than willing to give God the credit, but I do not expect Him to do the work. I know He put things into motion, but then I thank him politely with an, "I'll take it from here now."
Perhaps giving him the credit is partly about being able to blame him when things don't happen, altho I don't do that. Can I, should I, take any credit? Should I take more of the blame?
What would living in his power, at his mercy, in his mercy look like?
Do I not already thank him when I wake up in the morning still able to gulp air into my lungs? But what about midday when things are spiraling out of control and tempers flare? Who bears this responsibility? I always take it. I hear the accusations, "You suck," whispered in my ear. But can God change that? Can he redeem that also? The anger, the chaos, the frustrations?
Can he heal? Not just in a life after, not just in some odd healing service where the "sickness" is removed in a bloody mess of "spiritual surgery." Can he heal the heart from neglect, abandonment, abuse? Really heal? As tho there was no injury? And if he can, why do we pay so much to therapists or religiously meet at the church of Oprah or Dr. Phil?
Lots of us seek the diet that will finally work to make us happy, our best life now, our healthiest self. We want to have a modest (read comfortable for Americans) lifestyle, security in our savings accounts, education to impress, obedient children and healthy, young bodies (even in our later years).
I think those priorities are stupid. (Yes, I know I am not opinionated.) I would like to find routine, peace, enough, shalom. I agree that my "heart is restless until it finds its rest in You (as stated by St. Augustine)," but shouldn't I be a little more restful? Do I not know the Spring from where this peace come?
Perhaps I just do not know how to drink this peace. Perhaps I am simply a coward. To surrender the things I do not like is easy. To surrender things I like about myself, my life or the dreams I have or things I want to achieve or even things I think GOD wants me to achieve, is painful, frightening, and a dying.
Can he just release me from the tendency to be so critical of myself which spills over onto how I see others? Can he teach me to love myself? Can he help me trust him more?
Maybe the question is whether I will let him.