Tension and Balance

I am, left to my own abilities, rather lacking in grace.  My mother used to joke that she didn't know why they allowed me to work night shift because I am rather clumsy and awkward.  At the chiropractor's, I had to get on one of those balancing board...well, one is supposed to balance on them and develop your core muscle structure and all that good stuff.  I fell right off, rather embarrassed.  Just not good at balance.  But I suspect it is mostly because I am not good with the tension required to balance.

On that silly board, with the bottom rounded, the slightest movement causes a shift to this side which results in an attempt to compensate.

Well, let's just say my attempts to compensate tend to end up as excessive and with my butt on the ground. 

And that is not unlike my challenge to resist overcompensating in other areas of my life, outside of the chiropractor's office.

We live in this "already but not yet" place.  I am restored, tho not fully.  My life is changed, but not completed.  I am in process.  My soul is a work in progress.

This tension of being in between can be scary.  I tell myself I want balance.  I want to balance out the craziness with the serene, to find the right measure of work and rest, to be even and at peace.  I tell myself that anyway. 

I like to know that I am standing on solid ground.  I like to know what is coming so I know whether to duck or remain still.  I like to be prepared and know what to expect.
In short: I like to be in control.

It is safer.  There is security in control.  But there isn't much growth or faith or love or grace.

Perhaps that's why things happened, why sin entered the world...

When I think about the trade off for balance-stepping out of the adventure-I am not sure that is really what I want.  Even tho I fell off that balancing board, I belly laughed until everyone was laughing in the office.  I would rather have the adventure, surrender to the adventure, and laugh at myself than be still in balance.


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