From the Cathedral of St John the Divine
Had an awesome time at the Kutless/Casting Crowns concert with my sister, brother in law, and good friend. It was Jenn's Christmas present, but it also meant she had to come to Lancaster to visit which was in a way MY Christmas present.
I tweeted and posted many things that struck me, but this one needed to marinate a bit: What do I need to lay at Jesus' feet?
I have kicked this around over the years and the answers were things like my marriage, my son, my sin, my...
Today, this answer is: my death.
It's not necessarily a morbid idea. I have not been diagnosed with a disease that will take my life, yet. What I mean by my death is that I spend an awful lot of time making sure things go right, preventing bad things, doing my best. I can't catch everything, tho. Bad stuff will get thru. The deaths of my understandings, my knowledge, my hopes, my ambitions, & my desires...these are the death I need to leave at Jesus' feet.
I know God said, “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine (Isaiah 55:8 NLT)," but doesn't it seem like he is confused sometimes? Why does he put obstacles in our path but not tell us to keep pursuing or change direction? Why does he seem to call us to follow him thru what appears to be a door, only to have it slammed in our face? Why does he call us to things that make us feel so awkward and insecure? Why does it feel like he travels with us only to kick us out of the car?
Knowing that things are working out, that my efforts will pay off, gives me a sense of control, but when God is around, there really is no control. (Ok, there is never real control. Sometimes I feel more in control) He is out doing whatever he does and then when we think we have things manageable, he seems to stir things up. 'Course, I don't know if what I was doing was really his idea or mine, so perhaps what I see as him stirring things up is actually a course correction. Wouldn't it be easier if he just told me, tho? I would adjust things. I like God. I am not trying to be devisive or argumentative.
But this is the real problem: I feel out of control. (Yeah, I know, newsflash-you never were in control, Jaime.)
That is why I am laying my death at your feet. I am out of control. I am lost without your direction. All my efforts bring me to nothing if you are not in it. I am already dead. Breathe your life in me.