Grace-period

 There is this quote I saw once, "I try to take things one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once (attributed to Jennifer Yane)." It has been that kind of week, month, really.  The house was torn up for a remodeling project, the puppy has been teething on my arm when I try to read or blog, work has been challenging and busy, my son was in a car accident (tho he was just a bit sore thankfully), and I have just been generally grouchy.  Menial chores feel like huge expeditions.  Sleep is never restful.  I am thinking, fretful, even in my dreaming. I chose not to go to church today.  I am too grouchy.  I smoked a couple cigarettes.  I cursed a lot yesterday.  I can't find my way out of this self destructive, self deprecating mind set.  I have also decided that I don't act like much of a Christian, so I will stop identifying myself as such.  In fact, maybe I will give up this gig altogether, altho I cannot ...

Father... I don't fast well.  I don't go to church well.  I am bitchy and stingy and prideful.  But I want to ask you... There is this little girl.  She is beautiful, but very sick, and her parents are pleading.  Would you let her grow up, so maybe she could grow up to be as fallible and sinful as the rest of us? What are the right words?  I know you CAN heal her-why don't you?  Wouldn't that mess with everyone's head, if you would heal hers and erase that cancer?  How much glory would come your way? Or isn't it about miracles? Is the healing not here?  Not for now? If you don't answer our prayers the way we want, we just say that you heal a different way.  Is that our way of letting you off the hook? You know I don't like to ask you for things.  I am afraid of being turned down, turned away.  Is my faith small, or just my concerns?  Because, this one, I would like you to hear... I don't know, Father...