Today is Monday so that means it is time to play armchair QB, or pastor. Unfortunately, I was not completely engaged in what Kirk was saying, although I did take notes. I was more involved in my own lesson being learned.
The text for the day is here with the message being about how God reacts to idolatry-with jealousy. The parallel was drawn between marriage and the covenant between God and his people, or the bride of Christ.
What was distracting me was one of those hide and seek moments with God.
I had come to worship still reeling from a cantankerous mood (not what my husband would call it) that has nagged me for the last couple days. I have been frustrated, discontent, anxious for many reasons. During the worship, phrases of songs drew my attention, challenging me: Do I refuse to admit I am weak? (Of course I do. I hate thinking I am weak. I want to be able to handle things.) Why are my fears not washed away? Am I afraid? Isn't there some fear behind all the anger? (See question 1's answers.) Consume all my darkness....how about even just half of the darkness that has been gnawing on me? (Probably little chance of that if I refuse to be weak enough to need help.)
Just enough spiritual poking that I knew God was trying to get my attention. So I started to listen, after first talking back, of course.
You know my heart's desire is to serve you. I just am so lost right now, so angry and I don't know why...
And then the pastor began to define jealousy: a feeling of resentment based on what someone has that you want. Ok, so maybe you are answering me already, I said smiling to myself. Suddenly, I realized what my ailment was-I was jealous.
Not of anyone in particular, not of anything in particular. Well, maybe of those bubbling-over-with-joy Christians. Oh, and of individuals who are in fulltime ministry of one sort or another. Oh, and people who have been Christians since in utero...not having to recover from such messes.
If I knew your plan, that I am still on track, that I am where and who you want me to be, I would feel better. I struggle with whether I have screwed up God's plan, though I remembered the day while crying to my sister that I let God down, she simply asked me if perhaps he had planned for all the bumps in my road. I worry that I will let you down, that I already have, but you knew I would, didn't you? The verses for today's message are on a page that I had written a note: "Tho God knows we will turn away, he remains willing to be our God."
Forgive my fear, my faithlessness, my unbelief. You created me. You woke up my spirit. Continue to recreate me. And thanks for the chat today. Talk to you later...(or amen?)