As I struggle to extend the grace to myself that God did and does, the pit pulls me deeper and deeper.
An argument with a loved one.
Problems at school.
Conflict with work.
I. Want. To. Smoke.
Because I don't care, indifference, because I don't know what else to do, intolerance.
I am getting tired. I am feeling worn down.
Is this a test? Some crazy sound check from heaven?
Peace, I can somewhat understand, sure, that all things will work out eventually in some crazy way because You write with crooked lines. But joy??? Are you nuts? Was Paul nuts when he wrote this???
I don't feel peace, simply resignation. I have no joy, just the stillness of an icy morning before tree branches break under the weight.
How much more are You planning to throw my way? When are You going to pick up some of this weight? I don't think I can carry much more. And, just for the record, I am gonna say it:
It isn't fair.
Yeah. I said it. I never say it. I rarely think it. But that's the truth, my truth today. None of this crap is fair! I am supposed to trust You and You will give me peace and joy...ok, I am up for Your challenge...
I will trust You.
I know who You are.
I know what You promise.
I know that You wanted me.
So I am gonna wait. And I am going to annoy You. And I am going to cry out to You all the time. Until that peace and joy find me. Because You said. Because You said it would. And because I have no where else, nothing else, no One else...everything else is smoke and mirrors and bandaids.
So do Your thing. Just try not to break me any more, please.