Submission Bites

Most everyone knows that I hate the "S" word. And if you didn't before, you know now.

To me, the "S" word is about devaluing one to raise up another individual, potentially less qualified or less worthy, based on titles, roles, or anatomy.  

I know sweet, kind people who cheerfully follow and submit to leadership. That would not be me. But this is the place I find myself right now.

Maybe I can blame it on Burger King, the "have it your way" mentality. Perhaps it is just that I am skeptical of the motives of others. Or it could just be that I am skeptical of others because I know how dark my own heart can be.

How do I get to a place of surrendering my opinions and my desires sweetly and kindly to human, and therefore potentially flawed, leadership?

(Wow. I thought I would just crumple this post up and toss it aside. Somehow, I managed to publish it, so I guess I need to finish it.)

Is it ok for me to wait until I know if I can trust your heart before I follow your leadership?  Is it ok for me to watch you to see if you walk the way you talk before I get on board with your ideas?  Sure doesn't feel like it since you haven't pursued my confidence.

And let's face it, this isn't a one time deal for me.  This isn't about my boss or my husband or my director or any one situation.  The first time I remember this instinct to rebel was when I was in elementary school, a girl scout at camp.  A few leaders took us on a hike.  They got lost.  'Course they wouldn't tell us that.  But I recognized the creek and the tree and the stump.  I decided that I was a better leader, so I led a mutiny. 

A small group of girls followed me, without a compass, watching the sun and the landscape, and we made it back.  While we waited for the rest of the troop, we made strawberry jam and laid on hammocks.  We waited.  For HOURS.  Unfortunately, I was a better leader.  They weren't even mad.  But I lost confidence in leadership.  I became nervous trusting others with my journey.

Look, I am worried. I worry about becoming a dumb sheep by following you blindly. I worry about not being heard, having to conform, not being valued, being stepped over, in your pursuit of power or my obedience.

And yet I also wish that I could be more like my kind, sweet friends. I wish I could trust you. I wish I could get on board without argument and tension. Instead, the anxiety builds.

Deep breath. 

God is near. 

"It isn't about them. It is about Me," He whispered to me.

And I stop. This is my line. It isn't about them, but it is about the God of the universe & me. It is about me trusting Him and practicing courage, growing in faith. It isn't about just this situation but about what God is doing through this situation.

I still hate the "S" word, but I also know there may be benefit in practicing it. And ultimately who I am submitting to, turning myself over to, is the One I do trust.


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