My Semipermeable Soul
A selectively permeable cell membrane is one that allows certain molecules or ions to pass through it.
Sometimes my soul feels a little too permeable. I work with and befriend and care about individuals who may be in the deepest pit of their lives, if they will just stop digging themselves in deeper, that is. In the last month, there were 4 suicide attempts & 2 simply went missing. Jails and institutions are a normal part of daily life. Even if their lives aren't falling apart, some of my friends are grappling with illness or loss of loved ones. Hunger, homelessness, hopelessness are not a part of a documentary I watch on TV of a land far away. I hugged that person last night. We texted today. I am praying for them right now.
My spirit is weighed down and fatigued. I carry the pain, the doubts, the fears with me-this weird spiritual dust that I cannot brush off. I thought my soul was permeable because I find these things aren't mine but transferred to me by others, by those I care for and about. But I was wrong. I know this because the good stuff, the celebrations of others don't cling to me like the pain.
I crawl into bed at night, weary, with my prayer a barely muttered "Father," but as I spend time with Him, in quiet, I am amazed again at my God. I try to carry burdens that perhaps I shouldn't, but Jesus carried all our burdens, each of our burdens, on that cross. I am a poor and ineffective "god." If only I could do something more meaningful than walk with you. Well, I can point you to God, my cause for Hope and the One who sustains me.
A few weeks ago I received a text from a friend thanking me for my ministry. At first I was confused. I don't have a ministry. I don't have a cause. I don't have an NGO (non governmental organization) or send out letters for tax deductible donations. I just have a messy life, a broken heart for people for whom I believe my Father's heart is broken, and a semipermeable soul.