Armchair QB


I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness this week-how the families of those murdered in a Charlestown church responded, how Christians and the LGBT community are responding to the Supreme Court decision, and, not the least of which, the series "Do Over" at Hope & yesterday's message on Letting Go.

I didn't think there was anything I needed to forgive because, in general, I try to deal with things quickly. Meditating today, I see there are somethings that I have been unwilling to release and it is causing me pain...to which I respond with anger. 

Injustice ticks me off. Ambiguity annoys me. Being wrong makes me mad. In all of these things, I lack control over the situation. So, as I have begun to explore these tender spots, I have found some places where forgiveness, letting go, may be in order.

I need to forgive God. Yes, that IS as arrogant as it sounds. Still, I need to forgive him for not being clear enough, being unwilling to answer all my questions. (Many of you would probably tell me that I am supposed to have faith and submit to his sovereignty. I will forgive you for that.) How do we love the sinner and hate the sin without causing damage to said sinner and our relationship? Is being "right" as prescribed by biblical texts good enough? We justified slavery & segregation while we still justify exclusion of LGBT individuals & women in leadership by a few verses which we use to color the whole library of books. Is that what You mean? Do You call us to places and roles but not allow us to fulfill those callings? Are You trying to show us something else? Like that we can't be those things and we just need to trust You have something better planned? What is it? I need to forgive Him, also, for making this strange thing called church in which we struggle against each other, against Him, against society & never seem to find the wholeness we are seeking. 

I need to forgive the church for being a very imperfect community. I love it and am frustrated by it all at once.  I need to forgive them for not making sense to me. I need to forgive them for seeing through the only eyes they have, for hearing through the only ears they have been given.  I need to forgive the lack of progress as a community.  I need to forgive them for not being what I think they could be.

I need to forgive myself for not becoming everything I thought I should. I need to forgive myself for falling short so often, for being conflicted, for being angry, for being scared, for wanting what I cannot have, for rejecting good things for mere dreams. I need to forgive myself for the fear that comes when I feel the pull toward the church and being repelled by it at the same time.

I realize that this bitterness & fear about how it should be but isn't, about the questions whose answers are not enough, well, it just isn't good for my spirit.

So what do I do now? If I let it go, do I stop trying to figure out my place, stop wrestling with the questions, and just be? I can't imagine my faith or my life being that flaccid. I also don't want to waste energy on nursing resentments that poison my relationship with God and others.

As I write all this out, I hear echoes of an ancient serpent who once hissed, "Did God really say...?" Even while I question these things, I don't want that. I flew from that, back to the only safe place I know. My Father. I know He has my best interests in mind. I know Him. I know His Spirit. I know His love. I just wish I knew His thoughts behind some of these questions. 

For now, I am forgiving & just going to hang out with Him. I am letting go. 

I can always pick it up tomorrow and forgive again. 








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Christ in His Distressing Disguise

Image
When I was much younger, I learned about this remarkable woman, Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, then simply known as Mother Teresa. As a teenager herself, she had chosen to serve God by leaving her home in the former Yugoslavia to go practically around the world to India and become a nun. There she taught school, but she was distracted by the poor on the streets. Longing to care for them, she needed to be released from her teaching duties. Eventually a new religious order, the Missionaries of Charity, was formed by Mother Teresa to serve them, the poorest of the poor. I wonder today what attracted me to her. I didn't know much about India. The pictures of the suffering, the cachetic bodies that barely resembled humans, puzzled me. Growing up with movies and air brushed photographs, as well as a skepticism of news and government organizations, it can be hard to believe. How can there be such incredible suffering in my world? Mother Teresa was doing God's work; I know that was exciti
Read more

Blog Carnival-Seasons

Image
It was all so much simpler in my spring.  I suppose it is for everyone.  That is why babies and puppies and newness are squealed over.  I have been struggling.  Spring has long gone.  The leaves are falling. I loved what I had, what once defined me. Without it now, I feel like a crab without a shell-              vulnerable...                            homeless...                                           dry in spirit. I know, that all is not lost. I know, things change. I know, that God,              who brought me from there to there once,              will bring me from here to there again. I know, the story is not over. I know, the season will change, again. I wish my heart knew all this as well. Check out more blog entries on Seasons at the Carnival .
Read more

Blog Carnival: Community

Image
Blog Carnival: Community Community is getting to be a buzzword that hardly seems recognizable.  It has become permanently connected with a metrosexual worship leader at the hip church which has an outreach into some impoverished place.  But is that community? Yesterday I wrote about Facebook's social networking site.  Did you know that there are more than 300 million active users and that 50% of their active users (returned to the site in the last 30 days) log on to Facebook in any given day and that the average user has 130 friends on the site? Is that community? Do we really have a community or do we talk so much about it and request friends by the busload because we desire it intensely? We were made for community.  Creator said it was not good for that first man to be alone.  Even Creator was not alone.  We need to walk with others.  We need our village.  We need them to not only walk with us and love us and share our burdens, but to challenge us, to force us to grow.
Read more