Lost

It is almost ironic that the last post made was on desiring what I have.

I don't even recognize this life.

The participants have changed.  The locales are unfamiliar.  The ordinary is unfamiliar.  I am lost in my life.

I have had my life take sharp turns before.  Typically painful but usually positive.  These turns are reckless like driving somewhere you have never been before where turns come up unexpectedly quick.

Taking thoughts captive...sounds like a good idea until it begins to seem like useless busywork.

Yes, God can use all this for my good.  When? How?  Where the hell is God right now?  Why do I feel abandoned yet again?

Faith isn't seeing but it would be really nice to see some light, some hope.

God is with me. Sure, remember those little paper hearts we made in Sunday school with the doors we opened to find Jesus?  God has an apartment in my right ventricle.  Which feels empty.  Like the owner closed up the house and went to the country. 

What is the point to all this acting as if?  To simply hang on through feelings that break like waves tossing my spirit?

In desperation I wonder, have I been deluded into believing all this from the brokenness that lives within my heart and mind?

When my energy is low, I eat.  When I am tired, I sleep.  When my soul is worn out...I weep and tap these keys and find no answers.