Remind me

I was taught by a friend to learn from the book of Psalm when I am struggling and in pain. I read them and identify with them, sometimes even garner hope from them. In them I find myself, and my present condition, is not unique: the human soul hurts & searches for the One who helps, from antiquity until today.

In the book of Psalm, I find reminders, of both someone else's experience written down but also of my own. I know God has heard me before and strengthened me. Perhaps He has heard me this time, too, I just lack perspective being stuck in the middle of this mud.

Yesterday I chose to go to a gathering at Hope. No one greeted me coming in the door. I winced watching everyone talking, in relationship, as I weaved my way around them. I considered going out a side door really. My immediate reaction was, "What's the point?" Still, I recognize that I had to own some of my alone-ness. I had been absent, silent.

Slipping into a dark auditorium with seats open was a relief. No struggle needed. The music and message were good reminders of God being faithful, not simply to us but to His character. And then...the after.

I had been spotted. A kind older gentleman noted that he had not seen me lately and asked if I had whipped my new job into shape. The last things I wanted to talk about. I tried to smile politely before fumbling an excuse about needing to talk to someone urgently. He probably wonders what is wrong with me or why I snubbed him.

Another asked about a sponsorship opportunity that I had meant to do earlier. I didn't even apologize; I had done that before. I just gave some money. She thanked me and said she hoped I was doing well.

Are there people who tell the truth?

No, I have not whipped my job into shape and it is kicking my butt currently.

No, it isn't really a step up but I am making it work.

No, I am not doing well but I am actually trying to just hold on to all my pieces in hopes that I can put them back together later.

No, I am lost and I am scared and this conversation is so banal that I don't know what to say.

Yeah. I don't tell the truth. It would be messy. It would be unkind. It would be painful. I also want to be careful not to focus on MY truth.

This isn't a form of justifying untruths but a cautious approach to perspective. I need reminding that God is faithful, that He is just, that He cares for me. I need reminding that my heart is cluttered and can be lied to by the world or misunderstand things while nursing its pain. I need reminding that God's way is good for me, even if it isn't always pleasant. I need reminding that I am not alone and my pain is not unique.

I return again to Psalm much the same as I return again to the gathering of believers. I need the reminders as I need the people. Perhaps I will have the reminder for their own questions someday.

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