Dreams

I dreamt I was dying the other night.

I had been to a sort of rally listening to various candidates, political and religious, share their visions for how they could change the world when I realized it was all empty rhetoric. Without any effort or thought, I walked away into the dark night. 

The darkness seemed to engulf me. I knew where I was so I wasn’t exactly afraid, but I was also aware that something was happening. The street were dimly lit and lined with darkly painted buildings with windows that were also painted like old factories. To my left, something caught my eye. At first my mind tried to deny it, but then it registered as a shadow figure. I picked up my pace trying to look casual as fear rose. 

I knew the figure was following me. My pace began to quicken. A light shone on a strip of stores. As I leapt through the automatic door of one, I found myself bathed in the bright light of a sporting goods store. When I tumbled across the threshold, I fell, my side pierced. 

The severity of the wound didn’t register immediately. A diminutive blond woman came running to aid me, helping me to stand, hiding me, and then distracting the figure who had been following me. The figure was another woman who crouched down like an animal hunting, sniffing for a scent, searching for evidence of me. Not finding anything, she left to continue tracking me, and it was at that time that I realized I was dying. 

Dying wasn’t awful at all. My everyday life and worries and resentments and desires and dreams simply fell away. All these layers seem to be worn by us to protect the nakedness and vulnerability of our hearts. With it all stripped away and my heart laid bare, only love remained. The peace swept over me. 

Somehow I was given an opportunity to see many important people, those I loved, to encourage them and love them a little more before I went away. Technically, I was being taken to surgery, but the doctors had little hope. While waiting, I was visited by individuals. Through my own eyes I loved, mended, instructed, but mostly loved. Resentments dropped. Perceptions corrected. Truth spoken. Tears flowed, though always joyful. I refuse to share the words here. They are still private, though I have shared them with some of the individuals that visited me while dying.

I became aware that I was slipping away in a starry night to Another. Relaxed and drowsy, there was no fear. There was joy-Jesus. This was  another darkness but one decorated with dancing illuminations. As though objectively observing myself,  I noted  that dying felt very much like living-but without the chains of worry, schedule, & desire. 

Dreams may be visions sent by God or unresolved wounds of the subconscious working their way out in our slumber. Whether dream or vision, it doesn’t matter. I see now how protective I am of my heart, even to God, with my plans and my desires. I see now what a barrier these things are to real relationships-God, my husband. I wonder if it is truly possible to live completely in the now, without regret or desires, in unrestrained love with an unprotected heart. Still waiting on that dream answer.