Missing Narnia

My dreams have been filled with examining religious traditions lately. I almost wonder if I was awake some mornings. It amuses me but is also interesting as it appears I have been working things out in my dreams. 

In my waking life, I practice a spiritual life of following Jesus. I call it a spiritual life because it is built on relationship rather than rules. Certainly I defer to God, but I don’t feel trapped in a rule book of do this and never do that. I live certain ways because i love God and I fall short in other ways because I still dislike myself too much (thus getting lost in being undesirable and unworthy of God’s concern).

Examining religion in my dreams amuses me because it is yet another way that I am still trying to control this time of God’s absence from me. It has always been my default anyway: if I know the right answer, the right way, the right church...then I can be worthy of God’s affections. Silly pride. I will neither be able to control this Lion not be worthy of His affections.  Even though it seems desirable to want to control Him, would I really want to be equal to the only Power that I truly have which would then become no power at all, simply because of the ability to comprehend and control it with human ability? No, of course not. 

Knowing some of the character of a God through Scripture and experience has become a comfort to me as I focus on the knowable rather than the fear. Instead of being filled with anxiety about this hollow space where God’s presence seemed to dwell, I am now finding some peace and rest in the stillness. I wish the destination were known, as if there were a map, but what I do know about it is that God is good, God desires to give me good things, God loves me, and I can trust Him. Any destination that He brings me to will be good. 

There is a whisper every so often, “Are you sure he hasn’t left you?” which I dismiss as quickly as I am able. Some days it is immediate and other times I have to fret for a few moments before I put my head right again. There is only one who whispers doubts and lies to me like that. 

So much of this journey right seems to be choosing-who will I listen to, how shall I walk if there appears to be no encouragement one way or another, where should I go when there is no guidance, how do I pray when it seems no one is listening? Perhaps I am truly just learning to do all of this for the first time. I remember when I was coddled and encouraged, and listen to that Voice in my memory so to listen for It now. I remember where and how He encouraged and prodded me so that I go and do those things now. I live now by memory but not in the past. I do hope to see that Lion again as Lucy did. I would rather not grow up. It doesn’t seem like much fun to be excluded from Narnia.