Thoughts...


None enough for a post, I am just going to drop off these odds and ends here:

It is interesting to me how readily words come one day and how barren my voice is others. Do I say too much? Is this my self trying to be modest or protect itself from exposure?

...

I watch this show to go to sleep. Yes, I am that person-I need background noise to sleep AND I watch British tele. But sometimes tidbits like this come along: 

I am aware of how good it has to be that it is just painful now. -The Great British Baking Show

This reflects a bit of my soul right now. As I have been thinking about God’s holiness, His Other-ness, I continue to be confronted by my awareness of sin. Part of me is really aware of how good God and how dreadful I am is that it is painful. Then I seek I am also aware of just how unpleasing the world is. 

Sure, that London Fog was warm and cozy, but now it is just an empty cup. Christmas shopping is making the mall madness, but will our purchases matter in a few months? It is all consumable. It is all meaningless. Ecclesiastes has been on my mind. And I have always disliked the melancholic tone. 

...

Your dreams deceived you, boy. They told you what you wanted to hear. -The Gunslinger in The Dark Tower

The temptation to deny the dreams of my heart, those odd callings to my soul, are constant in a desire to please others and fit in. At times I wonder if I have been deceived and have heard only what I wanted, what feeds my pride. Even as this exercise of becoming more aware of my sinfulness continues, I hope it is preparing me to do something good for God. And then I dismiss those thoughts for the pride that fouls them. Perhaps being who I am, in the simplicity of the present path, is all I am supposed to be, setting aside these dreams and callings that have deceived me.



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