Pursued


Where can I go from your Spirit?Where can I flee from your presence?If I go up to the heavens, you are thereif I make my bed in the depths, you are there.If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,even there your hand will guide me,your right hand will hold me fast.If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide meand the light become night around me,”even the darkness will not be dark to you;the night will shine like the day,for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139:7-12 



Life has been overwhelming lately. Depression has been heavy. I have struggled with feeling less than enough, competent, worthy...etc. My prayers seem empty. I feel alone and unworthy of His attention or love. But I am not alone. I am pursued.

Seemingly normal events-like coffee with a friend-have become encounters with the Divine. We started talking about recovery and children but then gingerly touched on spiritual things. We didn't know that we were sisters in Christ. When the date was over, I was convinced that this was not an accidental coffee date. This was God showing up.  This was me being loved and encouraged. I am not alone. I am pursued.

As I struggled with feeling that who I am, the realest me who is bossy and opinionated and can't seem to control her emotions, is holding me back and might never change, a friend texted me unexpectedly with reminders of who I am-a daughter of the King who is loved by her Father more than she can know. Once again, I am not alone. I am pursued.

An article, an anniversary, an adventure just for me...He keeps showing up.  He keeps reminding me that I am loved, that I am not alone, and that I will be pursued.

I once thought the psalmist was sharing that he couldn't find anywhere to hide from God, that his sin was constantly exposed, that he was vulnerable. Now I read it and realize that the psalmist is sharing his confidence that he is not alone, that God will pursue him.

Although it is difficult to remember when the pain is great, I try to keep in mind that the darkness of my depression will not hide me from my Father.  There is nowhere that the Spirit cannot reach me. There is comfort in this because accompanying this depression, there is a loneliness, an isolation of pain, but I am not alone. I am pursued. I am found.

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