Grace-period

You are the source of life I can't be left behind No one else will do I will take hold of you I need You Jesus To come to my rescue Where else can I go There's no other name by Which I am saved Capture me with grace I will follow you This world has nothing for me I will follow You This world has nothing for me I will follow You

So, I am writing this paper, my final paper, for my class. I don't know if I am stalling because I don't want it to end or because I am afraid of what my conclusions might be. Just don't bring any lit flames around me for a bit. I am also worried about stacked wood. Who actually determines who is heretical? The church, that may be wrong? Luther was a heretic, right? Fairly good company then. Guess back to work the heretic goes.

I am running away. God may be able to handle all of us, but I sure can't. I am tired of the snickering picketing scrapping snapping. I am tired of all the echoes of discontent in my head-my own and others. I want peace and quiet. I am selfish. I am tangled up. I need time off. I need a nap. I need someone to write this final paper for me. I need someone to make my apologies for me. I need someone to clean my house. I need someone to cook me supper. The quiet of this picture, both the volume and the air, sink into my spirit and soothe it like a calming balm. I am running away. Life is too loud and noisy today.

I continue to beg God for grace and to help me set aside this stupid pride that makes it so difficult to not rebel. I am not even sure what I am supposed to be NOT rebelling against half the time, but it makes it really hard to just sit with God when I know He isn't telling me to go away or just go have babies or whatever the drama of the moment is. Even as I realize in the depths of my heart that I am a woman, (yes, I understand it needn't take that much time to figure it out, but somehow I thought there was a loop hole or that maybe the "priesthood of all believers" really was ALL believers, not just those with certain anatomy) God has not let His pull on my heart or my spirit lessen. Somehow I started feeling just a little normal (not abnormal anyway about this hold He has on me) but then it hits me again, in waves like nausea. I find my prayer has been a little impatient lately-"Dude, what do you want me to do?" I would do anything, except the thing...

Oh, the end of the semester...one major paper left to write....brain cells tried and fried.... I haven't been writing much because there has been so much going on-who has time to write? I feel like I am running to this, reading that, so I can complete this, before I need to move on to that.... What is the this and the that? Everything feels more fluid than solid. I know the Spirit is weaving in and out of all this chaos, beckoning me to follow, to keep up, but I can't always make it out. Friendships changing, ending, beginning. Schedules shifting, changing, uprooting. Even nature cannot help but be part of this time of change as the blooms burst forth and the pollen swims to sinuses. Nothing is today as it will always be. Not my job or my relationships or even my theology. Ok, well, even if my understanding of God continues to evolve and change, thankfully God does not. He is my constant. Like when you are in a boat and somewhat feeling queasy, you look to something steady and...