I am still fighting a cold today, so I have been hanging on the sofa watching movies. Just done watching Kung Fu Panda. The part of this movie that caught my brain was that this fluffy, chunky, clumsy, & somewhat dense panda was supposed to be a martial arts master altho he knew he wasn't really.
I feel like that a lot. I am also fluffy, chunky, clumsy, & somewhat dense quite often. Am I who I am supposed to be? Am I even on the right track? A friend was relating a story of a recent date that he had with girlfriend and how offensive the show was. I actually had seen and liked the show and thought it was "real."
Is there supposed to be a chasm between "real" and "Christian?" And, worse yet, am I a bad Christian?
I am loud and opinionated, I drop the f bomb every so often (tho not so often), I am not worried about being around gay & bisexuals (unless they think I am cute-LOL), I don't want to convert my Jewish friends (unless God leads them to it), and I have a occasional smoke when the anxiety gets to be too much. I know it has become en vogue to have "Bible & Beer" or "Wine & Wisdom" groups based on an understanding of Christian liberties, but I haven't heard of a "Smoke & Spurgeon" yet.
Sometimes I feel lost, unsure. Not sure if I could conform if I really wanted to, but sometimes I yearn for the safety that comes from conformity. And then I wonder if this isn't some trick of my pride-if I know how I measure up, my confidence will be in myself, and not in God.
I don't believe I can bend God, apply enough pressure thru good deeds and holy thoughts, that I can get my own way. I do believe that when I bend to God, attempting to align my will with his, that there is a peace and congruence in my spirit. Is that even possible when conformity is based on what we see in the others around us instead of being focused on God?
Losing my job has removed so much control from my life. I was in control over how many hours I worked, how things were done, how people were treated, how much money I would make. Now I am drifting, uncertainly waiting, desiring that God is in control, desiring that I will be able to find constancy in him and his provision.