Spiritual Incision Pain

When an incision is made into the body, even for happy occasions such as birthing a baby, there is muscle stretching.  Connective tissues are torn.  There is bleeding.  The surgeon tries to modify the damage-sutures and cautery. Later he closes the patient's incision and often glues the skin closed. The patient often requires special care for weeks-not too much lifting, limted exercise, pain medication, watch for infections, make sure the wound edges remain well approximated, good nutrition with protein to rebuild muscle.

When my soul is torn into, why do I expect it to be over? Or perhaps, why do I expect that I should just get over it?

This year has been a really, really hard year. Sometimes I can wear the same person I did last year.  Other days the mood and energy last year's person requires is too overwhelming.  Sure, I pretend pretty well at work-where I can be a functional individual without feeling the authentic weight that my spirit has put on.

Smiles and laughter are moments that I regret later.  They hurt.  I forget to splint my body when I laugh. Memories are tender, inflammed areas. I worry that an infection has set in.  I am distrusting that there is a higher power that is loving and caring. I am numb and apathetic to the Spirit.  The antibiotics of Psalms and minor prophets isn't working. I can still smell the necrotic areas of depression and fear. The incision isn't holding together either. I keep putting steristrips on it, trying to keep it closed. I am worried my guts might spill out through this hole. I am afraid that the succession of interventions this year might kill me.