Saturday, April 21, 2007

Anonymous


Who are you?
Why do you talk to me?
Why do you bother with me?

Before you showed up,
I was ok.
I was surviving.
Yeah, I wasn't happy or peaceful or content or joyous
or a whole lot of "good" things,
But I wasn't expecting much, either.

I can't be who you ask me to be
No matter how loud you call.

I can't be loving like you want.
I can't accept this grace like you offer.
I can't be who you want.
I am not brave enough, strong enough, faithful enough.
This is too hard.

I never cried like this before,
never felt this pain,
never felt....

Why won't you let me be?
Talk to someone else.
Go bug them.
Ruin their lives.

Tell them your stories.
Whisper love songs to them.
Numb their brains with your hope.
Dazzle them with your promises.
Leave me alone!
Are we merely pawns for some celestial chess game?
Where are you so I can yell at you appropriately?
So I can look you in the eyes as you smite me for my insolence.
Bring it on!
I know Job was closer to the beginning than I...
But I think you screwed up!
If you can do anything you want-
Why didn't you fix THIS?

What do you want from me?
I wish I could just ignore you, disbelieve you into oblivion,
But I can no more remove you from my existence
Than I can remove my heart from my body.

Your silence is deafening,
Your absence, searing.
And yet, I wait on you.
I can do nothing else.
You are air to my lungs,
Food to my stomach.
There is no me without you.
You are the dreams for my nights,
the sunshine in my day.
There is nothing for me without you.

I am tired, Father.
My heart is heavy as is my spirit.
There seems to be no escape,
No dawn.
Just as you stand watch while I sleep,
So protect me while my soul is dark.
I stumble through my day.
Father, I can't write another word.
I lie, crumpled at your feet, overwhelmed.
Just keep me till this night passes.

Forgive me, for not trusting you blindly,
But, you know me, you completely know.
I want the easier, softer way,
But I know it is not for me.
And I would not take it if you offered it,
Because I would rather cry and fight
My way through forests than drive so fast that I miss it all.
I would rather praise your goodness
And offer thanks for all your help in a hard fought victory,
Than have all days gray and bland.
I would rather weep in your arms,
than sit alone.

Where'er you lead,
I will follow.
What'er you ask,
I will do.
What'er you take,
I will give.
What'er you give,
I will accept.

Perhaps not gracefully, as I have the heart of a warrior,
and probably not perfectly, as I am a work in progress,
But in it all, I am yours.


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