Grace-period

It's funny how all I can be is someone completely ugly And yet when You look at me, You don't see a wretch You see a reflection of something beautiful ~Something Beautiful from Todd Agnew's CD Reflections of Something I really love this song because, in it, God reminds me how much my perspective is distorted, like a fun house mirror. I have no idea what I am really seeing. I have no idea how to focus my vision. For me, the truest sense of who I am is found in who God thinks I am. I forget that,too often. Reverting back to some primal survivalist mode, I fight and manipulate and hoard because of deep fears. Not so amazingly, I have been writing on the 6th and 7th steps for the last year. I am so sick of these defects, these places where sin comes so easily. I want to be the person God sees in me, a person God can use. In fact, that is all I want. Maybe some day I will see it, too.

"He is very fond of the word grace, and with grace itself he is altogether enamored." ~~ Charles Spurgeon in GRACE God's Unmerited Favor I burst into laughter when I read that line. I had never read him before and I had really only heard of him in passing so when I googled him later, I was surprised to see he lived from 1834-1892. Silly as it is, I am so in love with grace. I know I must trust God's mercy and He has not withheld it from me. Grace is just amazing to me. I saw this shirt that said-"I am the wretch the song talks about." That's me! I named this blog "Grace Period" because I had never thought I would live past 26. Probably in many ways I wanted to not live past 26. I was hopeless and empty and lost. My spirit was dead. One day, after having worked to change my life, I was sharing about the changes and it occurred to me that I was past 26. For the first time in my life, I felt so blessed about being alive. I had made ...

A discussion among friends the other night made me think about royalty and if we have lost a sense of that in regards to God. I never understood the "fear" of God. I was afraid as a child-that God didn't like me, know me, or wouldn't want me. Although I do not advocate a "pocket protector" God as one said, or George Carlin's character advocating a "Buddy Jesus" (from movie Dogma ), I do not want to go back to a "I'm too holy for you" God. I know I am never going to be good enough to approach the throne of God by my own merits, but I also recognize that God did the unthinkable when He sought me, and you, out. To save us, to heal us, to love us, to bring us back to Him. That is not a standoffish, aloof God. That is a belly laugh, dance in the rain, bear hug God. It would be the God who wouldn't mind a weeping child getting snot on His royal shoulder. A God who experiences life with us, not in spite of us. A God who i...

It is a weird thing to think about. I am feeling really let down by this person. I am hurt. I am angry. I feel embarrassed like she has made a fool out of me. I think she is giving up too easily; if only she pushed thru some of this fear...she could make it! But she doesn't. She lies and hides instead. I am frustrated trying to reach out to her to find only shadows of who she really is. I don't even want to try anymore. Let her live in the rotting garbage she has piled around her. Let her cover her wounds with filthy rags. What is it to me? I am doing ok. I am taking care of me. I am active in relationships and life. I am in connection with my God....or am I? When I listened to this rambling going on in my brain I was immediately ashamed. God knows I have been in her shoes. It is painful and embarrassing to watch her hide and continue on the only path she thinks is really there. I have walked it and know how lonely it is. I know how biting the winds are and...