Still Asking

A dear woman, who meant very well I am sure, insisted she pray for me tonite. At first, part of me wants to be comforted, but then, suddenly, my gut rebelled, "Please don't pray for me!"
I am still so uneasy about prayer. Look, don't get me wrong, I pray. Well, at least I think I do. Prayer is not some magic formula of the right words spoken in the right order at the right moment for the right amount of time to achieve the desired result to me. It is about being quiet, finding connection to God, seeking His will.
I know some will say if I do not ask I cannot receive, but, come on, I have been given so much already. Do I have to be greedy? And, for real, if I could have anything, I think it would be to really know God's heart. Pain? It will pass. Money? It will be earned and spent and little could change. Relationship? Virtues? Jobs? If I know God's heart, His will, I can relax despite all these cares.
But, it goes a little farther than that, too. I pray for people, I do, but what that means to me is that I am willing to walk with them. These people are people that I would set myself aside for, that I cry and laugh with, that I will face their monsters with them-not expecting some sky fairy to sprinkle pixie dust and make it go away.
Life sucks sometimes. It is tiring physically, it is draining emotionally, and can really hurt. I don't know that God is going to make that better. Some of it may be a result of sin, but some of it is just that we have the wrong perspective. Maybe it isn't about me. Maybe what I thought was bad ends up being a very good experience but I was too immature to appreciate it.
Or maybe I am just working my way thru this, trying to get to know God and prayer. Maybe I am too prideful. Maybe I am afraid. I'm just gonna keep asking the questions and keep walking.


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