I am in a slump. Well, actually, I am in a wedding. Weddings are supposed to be lovely events where everyone celebrates the union of a couple embarking on the journey of learning to do life together.
Being a bridesmaid has nothing to do with that. It is stressful. The bride is stressed. She calls a lot. We gotta keep her calm. The dresses are often ugly, usually uncomfortable. We gotta keep smiling.
Thankfully, that is not a picture of the dress. Well, I guess I am not sure yet because we haven't picked the dress. This is where the slump comes in: I hate dress shopping.
I am not a frilly girly girl. Never played "dress up" to the best of my knowledge. My usual attire is jeans. I don't own heels. Been married 17 years so silk is occasional, flannel typical. Although every bride believes the lie that you can shorten the hem and wear it again, I will neither spend the money to shorten the hem nor wear it again. Been thru this before. And I am not a size 8 anymore. And I hate this!
All this twisted self doubt comes up. All the voices of self hatred. All of this fear.
What does this have to do with God or grace?
Truth. The doubt and the hatred are lies. What is the Truth? God lives within me. I am His temple. I am made in His image. I am loved as I am, for being, not for doing, because He is love. I need not worry because He is will me.
Grace-not for me, but for my friend the bride. I love her. I am uncomfortable with these formal dresses that show all of this, but it needn't be about me. I need to show her kindness and love her thru this. I need to set myself aside and comply cheerfully with the dress shopping. Not for me, but for my friend, and for my God.
He may not give 2 hoots about the dress, but He cares about my heart. In being full of anger and hatred and fear, my heart is dark, sooty from the fire. These things short circuit my relationship with my Father as well because I want to hide from Him as did my earliest ancestors. Could it really be that I am sinning over a bridesmaid dress? Yeah, I think so. That realization woke me up and changed the way I saw this whole episode.
In loving the bride, I am loving God. In being kind to her and cheerfully serving her, I am serving God. It always seems to come back to Him.
So, Tuesday, when we embark on another appointment for dresses, I will have a changed attitude. Can't say I will love the dress, but I will be loving.