My husband's small group is reading Ecclesiastes, but it is the changes in my own life that make me think of the seasons. I am about to become a grandmother. That is weird, but exciting all at once. The kids are goofy, unprepared, and have messy lives. Is that how we all are when we have our first child? It makes me feel so old to watch them. For the record, tho, I am NOT that old. People my age are still having babies. But we are done. There is a finality and sadness with that ending. Of course, I knew it had ended a long time ago, but with the coming birth of my grandbaby, I feel it heavier than usual.
I was not a good mother. I watch these amazing women around me today, and I wish I could turn back time. I love my son deeply and it hurts sometimes to think that I did not help him become the man he should be. He is exactly like the father he did not know, the one who left him. Odd that nurturing didn't change more of the nature. I did the best I could and I suppose I need to leave it at that.
I love these kids, and the baby to come. Inside I am bursting with joy. I wish she were here now! She is still breech so they are planning a c-section. We will learn the date on the 12th. I was not this excited with my child. I suppose the weightiness and the uncertainty of my life dampened the joy, but this time, I am bounding with joy. She is going to be spoiled with love and hugs. I pray for these three often. It is a scary, amazing place where they stand. May God protect them and may they learn to hear His voice and be guided by it.
There is this sense of passing on the torch. It is now for them to fuss and make mistakes and struggle. We have come to this relaxed place. I anticipate the joy of the baby in our lives and the prayers for the kids as they find their way, but we are not fussing. We are settled in. We know God has a plan. We have seen it. We try to guide the kids to see it, or to at least trust our sight while they learn to trust God.