Saturday, July 14, 2012
A Thoughtful Woman
I am in a funk. Have been for about a week. One might presume, me being a woman, that it is merely a hormonal swing that should right itself in about a week. Alas, if only it were that simple that I could wait this out, but this is not crazy hormones.
As I was ranting to a poor pastor dude that happened to be in the line of fire today, he said something like, "Well, the emotion that has been triggered by this event comes from your thinking."
Working in counseling I thought to myself, how does he know anything about cognitive behavioral therapy and why is he talking about it now? I am obviously right, duh, no matter what the feeling.
And, while I may be right, that was not the real issue of the day. I hung up with the poor pastor dude, bickered with my husband, then settled on the deck to meditate on my bitterness. I sent a text to those closest to me about all the things that I hated at that moment and what might I be able to add next. From that small Voice that happens, I heard, "...and...they all have....you...in common."
Suddenly, I knew that the poor pastor dude was right. And I knew what was wrong!
A sort of Pandora's box was opened a week or so ago-a lost dream awoke-and with it, the torrent of lies and accusations that had been told, and believed, about why that dream could never come true. That infection spread to the now.
The thought-I am not important, not my dreams, not my speech, not my feelings, not my hopes, not me....
Work, church, husband, people in general and specific have reinforced those lies without knowing the minefield that they stepped in. I didn't even realize the mines that had been laid in my spirit but it makes perfect sense now. This morning I had been praying for my broken heart to be mended, but as I examined it, it was not broken at all but instead had been gouged and pocked, as from shrapnel.
I still think I am right about some of the things that I felt strongly about, but I no longer feel offended. The heavy blanket of depression that has weighed me down this week has dissipated in just moments. So strange.
There are still challenges in front of me. Work is still going to be crazy, but it won't own me. My husband will still misunderstand me, but it won't kill me. My God is still going to push and stretch me, but it won't kill me, either. His small Voice will speak the truth that I need.