I feel lost.
I mean, really? I knew where I was going. I thought that I was headed in the right direction. Slammed into a wall of reorganization and change that spun me around. Found a new path and started down it only to hit a new wall of health issues. Looked around for a new direction and began to follow it and am now caught in a whirlpool of negativity and rejection. Every attempt to swim out of it pulls me into a riptide of self doubt and fear.
I want out.
Where I once saw process and hope, I now see frustrations and disappointments in a hazy future.
I don't know where I am going, and I am beginning to doubt my ability to make wise decisions.
At church we have been studying our identity in Christ. Pretty simple concepts really, but so hard to remember when life is battering us. I am a saint...I am chosen...I am redeemed...I am a masterpiece...
"Yes, but..." is the echo in my head.
I can pretend as though this all makes sense, or I can be real and say, nice thoughts but I don't know.
This is what I hear:
I am a saint when I act like one. I am chosen but even I wouldn't choose me! I am redeemed, but for this mess of a life???? I am a masterpiece, great, would someone like to notice and tell me what that means for what I need to choose?
I pray and I don't hear answers. I hear silence. I keep going, trying to be kinder than that person who is so mean, trying to be more open than that one whose mind is closed, trying to be more loving when I feel so alone...and it is exhausting. This world is exhausting.
Yes, this too shall pass. Yes, I will not always experience this. Yes, I know better and will act better...but if it is only an act, of course, I will also falter again.
I want out of the maze. I want things to make sense. I want rest for my efforts. I want mercy.
Yes, and someday I will have all those things too. I just wanted to tell You that I am tired. And lost. And anytime You want to find me would be nice. I will be waiting, impatiently. For now, I will clean my house. Put things right where I can. Throw out the trash. Take care of those I love. Be helpful when I can and smile often. Because I expect You. Because I know You are not far. Because You are not lost.