Lost again?


I feel lost.

Again.

I mean, really?  I knew where I was going.  I thought that I was headed in the right direction.  Slammed into a wall of reorganization and change that spun me around.  Found a new path and started down it only to hit a new wall of health issues.  Looked around for a new direction and began to follow it and am now caught in a whirlpool of negativity and rejection.  Every attempt to swim out of it pulls me into a riptide of self doubt and fear.

I want out.

Where I once saw process and hope, I now see frustrations and disappointments in a hazy future.

I don't know where I am going, and I am beginning to doubt my ability to make wise decisions.

...

 
At church we have been studying our identity in Christ.  Pretty simple concepts really, but so hard to remember when life is battering us.  I am a saint...I am chosen...I am redeemed...I am a masterpiece...
 
"Yes, but..." is the echo in my head.
 
I can pretend as though this all makes sense, or I can be real and say, nice thoughts but I don't know.
 
This is what I hear:
 
I am a saint when I act like one.  I am chosen but even I wouldn't choose me!  I am redeemed, but for this mess of a life????  I am a masterpiece, great, would someone like to notice and tell me what that means for what I need to choose?
 
I pray and I don't hear answers.  I hear silence.  I keep going, trying to be kinder than that person who is so mean, trying to be more open than that one whose mind is closed, trying to be more loving when I feel so alone...and it is exhausting.  This world is exhausting.
 
Yes, this too shall pass.  Yes, I will not always experience this.  Yes, I know better and will act better...but if it is only an act, of course, I will also falter again.
 
I want out of the maze.  I want things to make sense.  I want rest for my efforts.  I want mercy. 
 
Yes, and someday I will have all those things too.  I just wanted to tell You that I am tired.  And lost.  And anytime You want to find me would be nice.  I will be waiting, impatiently.  For now, I will clean my house.  Put things right where I can.  Throw out the trash.  Take care of those I love.  Be helpful when I can and smile often.  Because I expect You.  Because I know You are not far.  Because You are not lost.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Christ in His Distressing Disguise

Image
When I was much younger, I learned about this remarkable woman, Blessed Teresa of Calcutta, then simply known as Mother Teresa. As a teenager herself, she had chosen to serve God by leaving her home in the former Yugoslavia to go practically around the world to India and become a nun. There she taught school, but she was distracted by the poor on the streets. Longing to care for them, she needed to be released from her teaching duties. Eventually a new religious order, the Missionaries of Charity, was formed by Mother Teresa to serve them, the poorest of the poor. I wonder today what attracted me to her. I didn't know much about India. The pictures of the suffering, the cachetic bodies that barely resembled humans, puzzled me. Growing up with movies and air brushed photographs, as well as a skepticism of news and government organizations, it can be hard to believe. How can there be such incredible suffering in my world? Mother Teresa was doing God's work; I know that was exciti
Read more

Blog Carnival-Seasons

Image
It was all so much simpler in my spring.  I suppose it is for everyone.  That is why babies and puppies and newness are squealed over.  I have been struggling.  Spring has long gone.  The leaves are falling. I loved what I had, what once defined me. Without it now, I feel like a crab without a shell-              vulnerable...                            homeless...                                           dry in spirit. I know, that all is not lost. I know, things change. I know, that God,              who brought me from there to there once,              will bring me from here to there again. I know, the story is not over. I know, the season will change, again. I wish my heart knew all this as well. Check out more blog entries on Seasons at the Carnival .
Read more

Blog Carnival: Community

Image
Blog Carnival: Community Community is getting to be a buzzword that hardly seems recognizable.  It has become permanently connected with a metrosexual worship leader at the hip church which has an outreach into some impoverished place.  But is that community? Yesterday I wrote about Facebook's social networking site.  Did you know that there are more than 300 million active users and that 50% of their active users (returned to the site in the last 30 days) log on to Facebook in any given day and that the average user has 130 friends on the site? Is that community? Do we really have a community or do we talk so much about it and request friends by the busload because we desire it intensely? We were made for community.  Creator said it was not good for that first man to be alone.  Even Creator was not alone.  We need to walk with others.  We need our village.  We need them to not only walk with us and love us and share our burdens, but to challenge us, to force us to grow.
Read more