Somewhere in the Middle


This is the carpet in the hotel. And I find it a reflection of me. I walk in the middle because I don't want to walk on the dark or on the light but both.

As I walked today, down the hall to breakfast, I thought how I walk that way through life, too. 

I walk between two worlds-my regular life and my church life. I try to maintain integrity with who I am in both, but my worlds often appear to sharply contrast. 

In my regular life, I am perceived as being submissive to my husband and my religion, a bit boring. I pack my husband's lunch, do church things, make attending Sunday services a priority more often than not, don't have tattoos, keep my Facebook wall clean. In the church world, others believe me to be a rebel, an extremist, too independent, too honest, too ambitious. Do you feel my internal whiplash?

I think that I may be a novelty for each group. I am either the spiritual girl or the loud rebel. I wonder if others know, or want to know, me or if I am just part of a freak show. Loneliness accompanies this concern that I really may not fit into either world.

So why do I walk the line? Why don't I just pick a side and embrace it fully? Because I can't. Because I live in both worlds. 

While I live in both worlds, I know that I belong to neither. I think there is a third option: I really belong to the country of my King. 

I forget sometimes, when that loneliness cuts me, that I am different and out of place in my two worlds because I was uniquely created for a unique purpose. 

And, for those who find me odd, be it churchy or rebel, I am not going anywhere. I will listen and find a commonality between us, a bridge to connection, and you are welcome to join me, but if you would rather not, that's ok too. I have to keep moving, though. There is too much to do, too many to love, too little time.

Yes, there is part of me that longs to fit in,  to have a place, to look like and talk like and act like you. But, that isn't me practicing integrity. I am just somewhere in the middle. In the middle of two worlds, two extremes. More adventures for me.

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