Still waiting
As we enter the season of Advent this week, it occurred to me that we, I, may need to check our, my, expectations. From the Christian perspective, the Gospels don't seem so far away from Jesus' birth. Sure, that one starts off like an ancestry.com commercial, but it is still merely the opening credits. We get to the action quickly.
The promise and mystery is revealed to Mary in chapters 1 of Matthew and Luke but Jesus is born in the 2nd chapters.
It is even better in Mark & John. John the Baptist is introduced proclaiming the Messiah is near and Jesus the adult shows up in the first chapters.
It seems like we just want the Messiah and Jesus shows up. Maybe this spiritual instant gratification is only found in Christians who "live" in the new covenant. But God's people didn't start there. Apparently Isaiah wrote about Jesus almost 700 years before Jesus showed up. That's some commitment. I mean, I struggle with this sense of absence lately but this gap meant generations relied on the character and promises of God-generations of trust and faith.
I guess it really comes down to what we, I, expect. Do I expect hope or expect more of the same? If I resign myself to more of the same, there is no reason not to be depressed. But if I expect Hope, if I wait anticipating what new thing God is doing in my life and for my benefit, I may wait impatiently like a child at Christmas, but it will be an eager and faith-filled waiting.
To be honest, as much as I want to be faithful, I really dislike this lonely place. I wonder sometimes if God was some made up idea from my childhood. I try to remember all the times that He was active so that I can at least point to those moments when God was real. My grandmother once told me that God refuses to listen to the prayers of sinners and I woke up the other day wondering how I might have offended God unwittingly. Sometimes when I pray I get angry. How can He make us to be in relationship with Him but then He takes off? That isn't fair.
The only time I can sense His nearness is when I am having spiritual conversations with people and prepping for or teaching. I can't do those things all the time. I have a life. I read and pray and consider Him daily with only my rememberings. But in those activities, there is vibrancy and energy and His Spirit makes mine dance. I am embarrassed at how much I crave the next time He shows up. I should just trust all that He says about Himself and not desire to be with Him as much as I do. It is silliness. But it is also life giving.
All I can do is wait.
The promise and mystery is revealed to Mary in chapters 1 of Matthew and Luke but Jesus is born in the 2nd chapters.
It is even better in Mark & John. John the Baptist is introduced proclaiming the Messiah is near and Jesus the adult shows up in the first chapters.
It seems like we just want the Messiah and Jesus shows up. Maybe this spiritual instant gratification is only found in Christians who "live" in the new covenant. But God's people didn't start there. Apparently Isaiah wrote about Jesus almost 700 years before Jesus showed up. That's some commitment. I mean, I struggle with this sense of absence lately but this gap meant generations relied on the character and promises of God-generations of trust and faith.
I guess it really comes down to what we, I, expect. Do I expect hope or expect more of the same? If I resign myself to more of the same, there is no reason not to be depressed. But if I expect Hope, if I wait anticipating what new thing God is doing in my life and for my benefit, I may wait impatiently like a child at Christmas, but it will be an eager and faith-filled waiting.
To be honest, as much as I want to be faithful, I really dislike this lonely place. I wonder sometimes if God was some made up idea from my childhood. I try to remember all the times that He was active so that I can at least point to those moments when God was real. My grandmother once told me that God refuses to listen to the prayers of sinners and I woke up the other day wondering how I might have offended God unwittingly. Sometimes when I pray I get angry. How can He make us to be in relationship with Him but then He takes off? That isn't fair.
The only time I can sense His nearness is when I am having spiritual conversations with people and prepping for or teaching. I can't do those things all the time. I have a life. I read and pray and consider Him daily with only my rememberings. But in those activities, there is vibrancy and energy and His Spirit makes mine dance. I am embarrassed at how much I crave the next time He shows up. I should just trust all that He says about Himself and not desire to be with Him as much as I do. It is silliness. But it is also life giving.
All I can do is wait.
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