Wrestling the Word
I was named after my father: Jaime for James. It is an odd thing to be named for someone. You already share DNA but that isn't thought much of since your unique combination of chromosomes from your mother & father come together forming a separate being.
To name something is to define something...to have an understanding of it. A complicated relationship with my name and my namesake led me to try to figure out what "we" mean.
James comes from the Hebrew name Jacob which means the Supplanter. It seemed less than flattering. Jacob comes in second though he won't let go of his brother's heel, manipulating himself into first place eventually. Supplanter might as well mean self-centered jerk.
But what I love about this ancient name connection of mine, is the story of Jacob at a place he later named Peniel. Jacob was a bit of a hot mess. He was, you see, on his way to face the brother he had wronged. After all his scheming on how to best butter up his brother, Jacob prays and finishes final preparations. Then he is alone. Dark silent nights before epic showdowns, or just ordinary days of anxiety, are when our fears and shortcomings echo in our ears.
Then Jacob began to wrestle, not just with himself but with God. He was relentless. He refused to surrender, even after God popped his hip out of joint hoping for a quicker ending. He persisted until God blessed him.
I like that story because I often walk with a limp. And I often wrestle with God in my own darkness. I can't let go...no matter how much I want to sometimes.
In my recent darkness, I prepared a talk for the student ministry on how God communicates to us, specifically through text (the Bible). When I began my study, it was fun, and I loved learning from the text and the commentaries. But then the darkness began to descend.
My darkness was nothing as epic as Jacob's night. Dark silent nights alternated with ordinary days of depression and anxiety. During those dark nights my fears and shortcomings echo in my ears. During those dark nights, my heart aches and my stomach churns. Tears and prayers flow freely. But there is often no relief, except that which God graciously affords me in a few hours of sleep.
As I wrote my talk, parts of my life began to crumble. Denial was removed and painful truths exposed. Sickness and disease rose to battle friends and families. It felt like everything was falling apart: professionally, personally, emotionally, and spiritually. My life is not what it was before despite living in the same skin. I was attacked on every side. Each dark night my bones ached and my thoughts raced. To live this life again the next day seemed foolish, but there was no deliverance coming.
I once read in Voice of the Martyrs, and other stories of the persecuted church, that where Bibles are illegal the followers of Jesus memorize Scripture, literally hiding His Word in their hearts and minds. I have never been able to memorize well. At least not since adulthood. But as I worked on this talk, God began to text me.
Me: Life is too hard.
God: Yep. It isn't the way I intended. Then it was literally "all good."
Me: You set us up for failure.
God: No, dear. I sacrificed that first animal to clothe your first parents. I want to protect and care for you.
Me: Oh, Father, I am drowning in this grief. This night is too much.
God: (to the waves of emotion) Peace! Be still!
Me: I feel so stupid for loving my friend. She can walk away from me so easily and justify it.
God: Love your neighbor (your friend) AS YOURSELF. Are you really loving yourself, Jaime?
Me: Everyone seems to do things that make them happy, fulfilled. Why does everything I do seem so hard? Am I a freak???
God: Abraham, Jeremiah, Hosea, Mary, Jesus...
Me: There's that sense of humor again. :)
Me: I can't do another day like this. I can't do anything right and I am so alone.
God: I am with you always! To infinity and beyond.
Me: ...
As I began to practice what I was going to teach the students, the Texts began to flood my inbox unexpectedly. I saw how alive the Word was coming, when my spirit needed it most. And the Word has always been there, waiting for us to respond. I met God in my dark silent night.
And then I realized that I am Jacob. The wrestling match may not be over, since I don't do quick surrenders well, but I realized that I have been blessed.
To name something is to define something...to have an understanding of it. A complicated relationship with my name and my namesake led me to try to figure out what "we" mean.
James comes from the Hebrew name Jacob which means the Supplanter. It seemed less than flattering. Jacob comes in second though he won't let go of his brother's heel, manipulating himself into first place eventually. Supplanter might as well mean self-centered jerk.
But what I love about this ancient name connection of mine, is the story of Jacob at a place he later named Peniel. Jacob was a bit of a hot mess. He was, you see, on his way to face the brother he had wronged. After all his scheming on how to best butter up his brother, Jacob prays and finishes final preparations. Then he is alone. Dark silent nights before epic showdowns, or just ordinary days of anxiety, are when our fears and shortcomings echo in our ears.
Then Jacob began to wrestle, not just with himself but with God. He was relentless. He refused to surrender, even after God popped his hip out of joint hoping for a quicker ending. He persisted until God blessed him.
I like that story because I often walk with a limp. And I often wrestle with God in my own darkness. I can't let go...no matter how much I want to sometimes.
In my recent darkness, I prepared a talk for the student ministry on how God communicates to us, specifically through text (the Bible). When I began my study, it was fun, and I loved learning from the text and the commentaries. But then the darkness began to descend.
My darkness was nothing as epic as Jacob's night. Dark silent nights alternated with ordinary days of depression and anxiety. During those dark nights my fears and shortcomings echo in my ears. During those dark nights, my heart aches and my stomach churns. Tears and prayers flow freely. But there is often no relief, except that which God graciously affords me in a few hours of sleep.
As I wrote my talk, parts of my life began to crumble. Denial was removed and painful truths exposed. Sickness and disease rose to battle friends and families. It felt like everything was falling apart: professionally, personally, emotionally, and spiritually. My life is not what it was before despite living in the same skin. I was attacked on every side. Each dark night my bones ached and my thoughts raced. To live this life again the next day seemed foolish, but there was no deliverance coming.
I once read in Voice of the Martyrs, and other stories of the persecuted church, that where Bibles are illegal the followers of Jesus memorize Scripture, literally hiding His Word in their hearts and minds. I have never been able to memorize well. At least not since adulthood. But as I worked on this talk, God began to text me.
Me: Life is too hard.
God: Yep. It isn't the way I intended. Then it was literally "all good."
Me: You set us up for failure.
God: No, dear. I sacrificed that first animal to clothe your first parents. I want to protect and care for you.
Me: Oh, Father, I am drowning in this grief. This night is too much.
God: (to the waves of emotion) Peace! Be still!
Me: I feel so stupid for loving my friend. She can walk away from me so easily and justify it.
God: Love your neighbor (your friend) AS YOURSELF. Are you really loving yourself, Jaime?
Me: Everyone seems to do things that make them happy, fulfilled. Why does everything I do seem so hard? Am I a freak???
God: Abraham, Jeremiah, Hosea, Mary, Jesus...
Me: There's that sense of humor again. :)
Me: I can't do another day like this. I can't do anything right and I am so alone.
God: I am with you always! To infinity and beyond.
Me: ...
As I began to practice what I was going to teach the students, the Texts began to flood my inbox unexpectedly. I saw how alive the Word was coming, when my spirit needed it most. And the Word has always been there, waiting for us to respond. I met God in my dark silent night.
And then I realized that I am Jacob. The wrestling match may not be over, since I don't do quick surrenders well, but I realized that I have been blessed.
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