Holy Whole

Today is the feast of the Epiphany. One of my favorite holidays. Traditionally it is celebrates when the three kings found the baby Jesus. For me, it is about the treasure we all may find at the end of the search.

 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13 NIV

The treasure I thought I had found in grace.

Perhaps I was short sighted. Maybe I simply was so taken aback by grace that I didn’t need, or want, to look further. While swimming in God’s lavish grace has been delightful, lately something is different. I still live in this Grace-period, breathing only because of His grace & mercy, but there is more now. In this space of His silence, I find it filled with God’s holiness which seems to judge my reliance on grace, at least as I perceived it. 

My reliance on grace brought on a cozy familiarity that seemed to remove the holiness, the otherness, of God for me. It isn’t that God wasn’t God, but the focus on grace drew me back to myself. God loved me just as I was. God rescued me. God sought me. The focus had moved from God to me-who I was. Grace made God so near...I forgot He was so above.

A friend once cautioned me about blasting God with my anger. I quickly shot back, “Pretty sure He can handle it.” I am still convinced that He can, but I am less sure that it is the appropriate response. My reliance on grace was total, to the point that I justified being a total mess. Does that really play to His otherness, that He can and ought to handle my anger, and my mess, since He had a hand, actively or passively, in making it or does that demonstrate how utterly disrespectful I was? 

I am embarrassed by how little I appreciated God’s holiness, even to this point of disrespect. Since realizing this, I spent some time hunkered down in Romans 6. Yes, I have been saved by grace, but I haven’t been saved to not be changed and grown. My life ought not look the same. Grace is wonderful but can be taken for granted.

When I think of God lately, Jesus isn’t my homeboy but my Lord. He has done marvelous things through divine creativity.  His unending love overflowing to share with us seems counterintuitive when you look at us. His power blows my mind: a dead man was returned to life-and not just dead. It wasn’t like God had to jump start a heart with a defibrillator. This body had been mangled and punctured and broken. Then He even chose to bring me back to life. His provision is both extravagant and delicate. His faithfulness goes beyond what I can grasp. The holiness of God is so breathtaking. It is no wonder that we use our talents in arts and construction in attempts to demonstrate His majesty. But the most awesome beauty of any cathedral is a barren hall compared to Him. 


The homeboy has been replaced by a King and a Physician and an Artist and a Savior and a Father, all combined in this one known but incomprehensible God. Even writing the word seems too familiar and I empathize with my Jewish friends who do not write the word out. The focus on holiness has led me to want to sit up straighter. My sin glares at me. My heart breaks that I do not do better. As I spend time in prayer, not asking for a million things but sitting quietly, breathing in the incense of His throne-room, I am aware of Romans 6. I have been baptized into Christ Jesus and also baptized into his death. My old self was crucified that I could be set free from sin because I now dwell under grace. Amen. Let it be so. 

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