Sorting Through Piles

Christmas season is here.  Families are going into closets for decorations, tidying up for visitors, making preparations for parties. But that doesn't mean that their lives stop.  Daily life continues and messes will be made.  When the visitors come and the parties happen, there may be a place that the host would rather their guests not see, or at least not look closely.  It could be dust on a shelf that was missed or the children's room or the garage.  It could be a room named "the junk room" or sometimes called a craft room where odds and ends are tucked away, or piled. We all have some piles somewhere. That is what I woke up praying about today.

Father, I need you.  I need your help. 

My life piles around me-books to be read and books read but not returned to their shelf, clothing to wash and clothing washed but not slipped into drawers, school work to complete and school work to put those finishing touches on so it can be sent off for grading.  A couple days off should help with all this, right?

I can't seem to do this on my own. I don't want to anymore because I have made a mess of things. You asked that man by the pool if he wanted to get well.  Well, I know that I do want to be well.  I know that you can heal me and that you can transform me. Please do!

But my interior life has piles too. My heart has been heavy and my mind has been swirling as I try to control and straighten up, to manage. There is that sadness again, even some borrowed sadness of others as though I need more. Injustice and pain, suffered by myself and friends, and those  I don't know but whose suffering I do know, sinks into my heart.  How do I make a difference?  Why is the world so?  When does the grieving stop? 

I am so tired of feeling this, Father.  Please heal me. I know there are many more important things on this planet that you have to manage, but...my small little planet needs you too.  If you think anything of me, please.

I scold myself, and I trip over the pile of shame.  I am not worth him bothering with me. Who am I that I can do anything?  How could I even consider the course of study I am?  A person that helps and heals others. When do I practice this for myself? How foolish and prideful I am!

I can't fix myself, Father. I see how I try to pretend that I am someone who I am not, at least not yet, and I hide things that I don't like. Worse, I have often tried to sort through these piles alone, out of shame, just moving the mess from one place to another. Please take over.  I surrender. I want to follow your guidance and submit to your will...

Well, most of me.  The pile of pride stinks of rebellion but is right beside another pile of fear. I try to be obedient to God's Word but I don't do it well.  It isn't easy.  I end up trying it my way. And the thing is, it isn't that I don't want to follow the way...it's that I wonder who I might have to be, who God might make me into, if I really do surrender completely and obey completely.  Won't I just fail?  What would some of the people that I love the most think?  Especially since they aren't all that keen on obedience and God.

Lord, look, I can't do this.  Not on my own.  I don't follow well. But I am willing to try if you will help me to be brave. One day at a time, taking one moment at a time, knowing that you haven't given up on me, despite the condition of my interior "house."  Breathing in your peace as I make a list of the housekeeping needed and figure out what we can do.  Breathing out my excuses and fears. Breathing in your strength. Let's sort through some piles.  

Amen.