Grace-period

I feel lost. Again. I mean, really?  I knew where I was going.  I thought that I was headed in the right direction.  Slammed into a wall of reorganization and change that spun me around.  Found a new path and started down it only to hit a new wall of health issues.  Looked around for a new direction and began to follow it and am now caught in a whirlpool of negativity and rejection.  Every attempt to swim out of it pulls me into a riptide of self doubt and fear. I want out. Where I once saw process and hope, I now see frustrations and disappointments in a hazy future. I don't know where I am going, and I am beginning to doubt my ability to make wise decisions. ...    At church we have been studying our identity in Christ.  Pretty simple concepts really, but so hard to remember when life is battering us.  I am a saint...I am chosen...I am redeemed...I am a masterpiece...   "Yes, but..." is the echo in my head. ...

Sitting in the office waiting to see my pulmonologist, I began to consider the past several months and what blessings that I have found.   My friends and family have supported me thru fears and tears. I have found gratitude despite having to do hard things, like submit to being a pin cushion. I have weighed and counted costs of my dreams and activities, and sometimes my plans have changed based on those measurements. But the best thing has been growing closer to the God of mystery.  I don't have any answer to why this scary thing happened, other than the world and our bodies are broken. It isn't the answer that I really care about though. What came to mind as I sat in the office looking at pictures of healthy lungs and inhalers is: will I go back to being "normal?" For weeks I simply wanted to be who I was in June-ignorant of the danger within me & fairly carefree. I didn't want the uncertainty and shadow that had crept over my life. As I trudged thru this jou...

I am watching TV this morning.  Still sick and a bit lazy.  My throat hurts and when I swallow it feels like I am swallowing a chip whole, that grating, tearing sensation that makes one wince.  Naturally, I don't want to get out of bed.  So I watch TV.  One commercial, which annoys me every time that I see it, is that shingles is the worst pain ever and, gasp, because I have had chicken pox, I have the virus in me already! IS THERE NO HOPE!?!?!?!? Apparently not.  However, I have known quite a few people with "The Shingles" who miraculously, though with some discomfort, continued to lead normal lives.  But certainly, I will be on the look out for painful blisters that occur over night. But those aren't the only things that I need to watch out for: I should be on the look out for procrastination and "Just do it." I should worry about how the weather will interefere with my television programming and not become a dish head. I need t...

I have always considered saints "other" and, in many ways, that would be true, particularly given the understanding that they are holy men and women.  Growing up Catholic, we took the name of a saint to celebrate our confirmation in the church. Churches were named after saints. Books of the Bible were written by saints. On holy days and events such as baptisms, we asked those saints to remind God that we were still here & needed some help. Despite being a young follower of Jesus, I still retained that old understanding of saint.  A friend challenged me on this and the way I saw myself.  I was not a jerk; I made a mistake. I was not an idiot; I was an imperfect human doing the best she could. But I couldn't let myself off that easily. Someone needed to take responsibility, right? (Yes, for those of you who read the book, Jesus did that. Books are always better than the movies. Except The Hobbit.) This reflexive renaming myself based on my actions was certainly based in...

It is often easier to plan a path than to walk it. Sure, some seasons are easy. The brisk autumn air energizes me to take the pups on hikes in the woods. But then there are seasons that can be more challenging.  In the summer heat and humidity, walking is exhausting and breathing becomes labored quickly. Winters in the 90s were known for Some significant snow storms.  One blizzard I had been snowed in at work for a week. When I finally had the opportunity to leave, I had to walk home after being dropped off at a nearby road because most roads were closed. I trudged through hip high snow, slowly and steadily, trying to keep my focus on my front door a half mile away. And that is how it feels lately. A friend dies suddenly. Other friends make choices that not only cause them to step out of my life but puts their lives in imminent danger. My own life was in danger this summer, and I continue to recover from that adventure.  As life continues to batter away and my heart is he...

Today's message was on parenting. I knew this before I went. I am one of those nerds who likes to read the passage ahead of time and meditate on it so that I can be ready for the Sunday morning message. Like I said, nerd. But knowing what the topic was, I almost didn't show up at church. You see, I have no children at home. My son is already 23. (Where did the time go?) And honestly, we weren't great parents. We did the best we could with what we had, but I wish we had done many things better. For one, I wish that we had been followers of Jesus in his childhood, not his teen years. We probably would have been better parents. All those regrets and disappointments didn't make me eager to listen to a message about parenting. Praying about this passage yesterday, and more accurately about my heart's annoyance, I realized that I am still important in the lives of many kids. I am not their parent, but I have come to be a spiritual mother, or sp...

Without my glasses I am legally blind. Like the doc told me I could get a dog kinda blind. Good for me that they make glasses strong enough to correct my near sighted, bifocal needing eyes. The other thing wrong with my sight is that I have a pretty significant astigmatism, which basically means my eyes don't focus well and everything is blurry...without the aid of my glasses that is. I like seeing clearly. I like seeing definite lines and shapes that make my world easy to navigate. Lately it seems like I need some stronger glasses, not just for my eyes but my whole life. Despite the fact that I thought that I had a pretty fluid idea of God, scoffing at others who placed him in a nicely packaged box, I have found myself a bit stunned about where God may have been in the last couple weeks. I don't feel as confident in what I know. I don't see in black and white but in blurry tones of grays.  Being a bit OCD, as pointed out by many as well as my coworker today, I do like secu...